All I want....

well, maybe not that, but if I could just make my friends happy that would be amazing. I've been kinda, a no show. Why? Well lets see, for some reason, "thankful_servant" wants to do SLC, his major requires him to sell his soul to the program. And of there's the new issue, are you ready, b/c I was shocked when I found it out..... I'm the kind of person that love structure, purpose, and to know that I'm doing something that has an end, perse. And best of all I hate feeling like a failure, which of course is going to happen many times in my life, and well I'm failing as a friend. I want to know how they're doing. I feel bad that I'm not "around," and when one of them says, "why don't you just quit SLC and be with us," or "haven't seen you around a lot lately." Me personally, that hurts. Yeah, so what! but you know I have an issue about not wanting to abandon people. Probably b/c I was abandoned a lot when I was little. I don't know, this is me just working through thoughts. It's something that I either need to just get over, or learn to not do it. There are so many amazing things to learn....

But right now, I have a blasted Medical- Terminology test today. I just want to cry at how hard perceive this test. I've had one of my friends fail it 3 times, and he passes it last semester. I have a paper that is due today but I'm studying for my med-term test, so she'll have to be patient w/ the arrival of the paper. It's funny, I wrote a devotion yesterday for a club that I'm in, and my mother called. I haven't seen her since my junior year in high school....I don't wish to see her. I say something now b/c the two are related, and they are two things that I need to work on. Man, this truly is going to be an interesting semester. I only hope for strength to make it through everything that is going. And to be as good a friend as I can be.....why do I care about many things? Why do I have to struggle with life? Why can't it just be easy? I have so many questions, and I'm sure non will be answered anytime soon. Until then, I'll search for a few, live, teach, love, care, feel pain, and hope for the best.


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Now playing: The Killers - When You Were Young
via FoxyTunes

a devotion

Roman 8:22-25
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>How long is waiting? How long do we have to be patient? I guess it depends on the thing we are waiting for. After a while we become tired of waiting though; ready to get this over with, or on the verge of giving up. But we are told that in our moments of weakness and tiredness of waiting, the Spirit is there, right along side us. If we don’t know what to say or pray about, if we become so frustrated that we can’t express anything, or we just can’t find those words we need to exclaim our thoughts with, it’s ok. He’s there beside us praying. Praying what needs to be said, praying what is at the bottom of our hearts. He knows us, our condition that we’re in, and knows how to help us, make us feel better.

>We want to please Him, and to make him proud. Just like my parents Dottie & Charlie. I know they love me for who I am. They may not be my biological parents, but I know they love me. They took time to discipline me when I misbehaved, loved me when I felt sad, congratulated me when I did something well, and were pound when I finished something big.

Making a mistake can be challenging, b/c how do we make sure not to make the same mistake again. It could the be feelings of shame that I’m afraid of, putting shame to my parent’s name, putting shame to God’s name, shaming my friends, shaming myself. It’s difficult to explain this. I’m still finding words, ideas, and theories to explain or express what I’m going through and thinking about. We are asked to love them, just the same. But in my case this topic or skill that I’m talking about is patience. We live here, our life isn’t pointless but we live here (now), and we are told to love our parents, friends, enemies, and the homeless. And even the pedophiles, the murderers, the abusive spouses, and many, many other things that aren’t comforting to think about. But these situations take patience; I don’t know if I have the patience for them….I’m not sure that I have the patience. I understand the patience that is needed, but I still need to work on the little things like: being patient when I’m wanting to be somewhere on time and we’re late, or if I want to be early and someone else doesn’t, that’s something I need to work.

When we love the person no matter what! We aren’t shaming anyone. It’s uncomfortable to do this. How do I love someone who beat me when I was little? How I love someone who beats a woman b/c she’s there. How do I love myself, when I do not love others? I mess up. I’m far from perfect. I’m still growing and learning. I might be able to go back and love the people who I didn’t love earlier.

It’s funny, I’m told that we’re going to mess us at times, it’s inevitable. We aren’t going straight to Hell b/c we did something wrong. If we were, then he wouldn’t ALSO be the God of mercy. I also see it’s in our nature to mess up, it’s not an excuse to mess up, but I need to not get so frustrated when I mess up at the smaller things.

He, God, is like a parent that knows what we’re going through. He understands the pain, the sorrow, and the thoughts that are provoked by experiences. He’s that hug that we need on those hard days; that pat on the back that we want when we accomplish something. He’ll discipline us when we misbehave, and love us when we’re sad. He’ll love us no matter what. It’s at this thought that it clicked, that we are created in God’s image. My parents tell me when I mess up, and I feel ashamed, “No matter what you do Richard, you can’t make us stop loving you. We love you more than anything in the word.” And that’s how God feels towards us. Hesed is a Hebrew word for loving-kindness. (he consistent, ever-faithful, relentless, constantly-pursuing, lavish, extravagant, unrestrained, furious love! God’s love toward all of us is ever-faithful, like my parents love for me is ever-faithful.

Nothing bad, a reflexion....because we still learn and grow constantly

I'm here again. I'm still here in my life. It's not like I left, but after thinking and explaining the concept of being aware of my attachment to my life being through these delicate strands of molecules called nerves, I know that there are people who think they can leave their bodies and go places.....I know that if I could do that I wouldn't want to stay here in my body. It's the "label" that it has, the emotions, reactions, and perceptions that are made toward this life that I've led. The memories that I have collected, habits that I've done that I want to run from. The funny thing is this; I know I can't leave my body. I'm proud of my life, b/c w/o it I wouldn't be me.

Right now things kinda suck, not b/c life's hard, but b/c I'm being given a lot of choices lately. hmmmm. I'm actually being given choice that can affect my life. Probably b/c I don't make a lot of descions for myself, by myself, I feel scared, nervous, fear of failing (closing something that will close a door, that I won't be able to open again....hmmmm). I had a talk to a friend @ Starbucks the other day and they said that it's hard for them to commit, b/c they're afraid of losing opportunities, afraid of leaving something that could be amazing. And they said that a freind of theirs said, that when something comes along, they commit for as long as they can, b/c who knows what could come out of it. Who knows how they, or he could affect him/the person. (hmmmmm) With that thought how do you transition from choice to choice. If I did make a choice how do I balance the things that I want to do...I have choose one thing, and choose not to do another. :) Life is not getting difficult; it's the decisions that are needing to be made, and I can't not make some.

.....should I let her know I love her. No, b/c I'm not quite sure what kind of love it is. But if I talked to her about it, then could we find out. If I could see her happy, just so happy, content that there is a glisten in her eye. I think I know I would have done what I wanted....but that's obsessing. I should probably just drop it. I care about her, how do you just let go of someone that you've put time, emotions, and a little pain into. What ever happens, it won't be perfect. There will be and probably needs to be more struggles with...what ever. You know what's funny, is that she probably doesn't even know anything about how I feel. I'm not sure. I probably think she's a mind reader; she not. I'm coming to this conclusion though; right now, I probably shouldn't try to be with someone until I figure some stuff out and fix some stuff that pertains to me.....or it could just be a cop-out in not pursuing something that I might feel so deeply about. I HAVE NO IDEA!!! ::hangs head, and shakes it:: It's funny how I want something, and all I have to do is choose it; but I don't. Could I probably think that I'm not good enough....is that blasted un-self worth, concept rearing it's head again!

But for now, I'm getting ready to go salsa dancing. We planned it on Monday so I've been looking for this all week. I have tests, quizzes, outlines, papers, and readings to do. All I ask for is strength, courage, confidence ::ha::, and maybe a dash of spontaneousness. It won't make things better, but you know, it would make life a little more tolerable.


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Now playing: Jack Johnson - Better Together
via FoxyTunes