Can you say confidence, I know you can...

"Be confident in what you say," "What you have to say is important, don't say 'nevermind' when you're trying to explain something," "Be confident in you speakings," this is what I've been hearing a lot this semester. So, here's what I gather confidence is something that I lack enough that it affects how I communicate. And I've hearing how my friends speak, and listening to how i speak, it's funny. I have the confidence that I lack in my speak when it's in a "non-official" situation. I can speak with my friends pretty well, but it's @ work that I don't have the confidence that I need. I've known this, and I've managed with it, and getting more conformable. Ex. I studied for a week and a half on the knee and knee-cap, when reread the material, I knew the stuff, I just knew what would come next and how to do it, but when it came time to do it for the ACI, I couldn't do it, no life in my voice, just couldn't get it right enough...to me at least. I was making it harder, like I needed to use the biggest words, and most awesome flair for them, but no. When I speak with my friends, I still have a reluctance, and that's with the thought of not being good enough, not having anything to say. Know what! I don't always have to say something, being wordless is ok. Just absorb it, and learn more, so there is knowledge on it. After talking with one of my closest friends, I realized, I have a problems of being inferior. I find it quite funny! That for the amount of helping I do, I still feel, inadequate around the people I love, know, and care about, and everyone else that I aid.

I had a conversation about confidence with one of my closest friends. And after it I came out thinking that confidence can affect how you interact, or live. They think that it wouldn't affect the person that much....actually not exactly sure what they said, so don't quote me. My thinking is that with confidence in the right areas, one could talk to someone else about life, talk to their professor or instructor without doubt of saying the right thing. Express to that someone that if there's ever a problem, worry, excitement, surprise, that you are there for them.

Now there is change. Change occurs everywhere, at every moment, it's just there, constantly. We may not see it, b/c we may not see that big picture where the change is. I wish change would come just a little more quickly, so I can say I have confidence in my speaking. I know it'll come...any thing having take time and hard work. It's funny, i can write all of this down and not give a care in the world, but if I talk to someone about it, it get so difficult, and words are hard to string together. Again, it stuff like this I love. I love how life...just is. Yeah it sucks to go through it, but it's something that's amazing. Years from now, I'll probably say, "I can't believe that I was like that." Life is amazing; difficult, but amazing!!!!




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Now playing: Yellowcard - Miles Apart
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One day...

You/we are changing. But it's not as noticeable as changing your hair color, or cutting your hair. It's something that'll be seen when you look back at how things were. Three days ago, a month, a year, 5 years. It's defiantly going to be rough leaving here when we are finished with school. It's so comfortable right now. Confidence will come when we know that we have support in what we do. As we work at what we want to do, be it, being open to the people we care about, wanting to grow, or anything like that. Like I told her in her Christmas card, "Don't be afraid to talk to one of us, or ask for help. You are an amazing person, and you have some good people for support." We can't force you to be open, or talk, or be transparent. But do know that when you are ready, so are we. We've all been through something that none of us will ever know how it feels emotionally, physically, or psychologically, but I'm sure we would like to hear about it. It's something that we might learn from too. You won't be on your own, when you leave, we'll still be there with you wanting to hear how your day went, how some butt-hole cut you off on the highway, or anything like that. If we care about someone then we try to find a way to stay in communicate with them. The hardest thing to do or learn is being able to have fun with what we go through. Life can be brutal, fun, mysterious, boring, funny, embarrassing, difficult, sad, or intoxicating. And if you think about it, just right, it's just so amazing how we are different, but the same in some ways. If you ever feel lost just come find someone to talk to, maybe in the words you tell someone, you'll find your answer, or find your way. If we can't answer your question or help you, I'm sure we can point you in the right direction. :)

It's hard to tell these things. I will though! I'll let you know. And hopefully, there won't be negative responses. Until then, I hope to have courage and faith to help you, support you, and be as good a friend as I can.


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Now playing: Bob Marley - Don't Worry, Be Happy
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Questioning/ caring...

A quote that has been on my mind for a while now is, "...asks the questions that might threaten you friendship." This idea is crucial for a relationship of any type to grow and become something worth having and for it to be so precious. How are you to know when to ask those damaging questions? If they are damaging, then should we be worried about losing that relationship? I really do struggle with this idea. B/c I really do want my relationships to be strong and purposeful. So all I need to do is ask those hard questions. What are these questions? It should be something personal, and reciprocated. I'm not saying that the person you talk to will open right up to you, NO, they will be most apprehensive, but if they know that you care for them and really hope they learn and grow, and you support them not matter what they say or do....then maybe, just maybe they'll loosen up some for you two to talk and to get to truly know each other. Again! I'm not saying what I say is THE thing or should be done how i say it should be. I'm say this is what I've been thinking about and reflecting on how I've been handling my relationships. If you have anything add, correct, or comment then go right ahead, I welcome it.

How do you know when you love someone, how do you know if that "love" is a strong pull for a friend or if it is actual love for that friend? See it's challenging, I'm not sure how to take things....I think to much, and over analyze too much. It's not easy and many times I wish it were, but I'm thankful it's not. So for the next few days, I'm not going to worry about what I usually do. Maybe I'll be less stressed, maybe I'll be able to be a fun person around my friends, and maybe, just maybe, I'll understand more. I will. I'm excited....HERE WE GO!!!!


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Now playing: Boxcar Racer - I Feel So
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Hesed, thinking, and reflecting

Hesed is a new word that I've learned, and am still learning. It's a difficult word to translate from Hebrew, but it's something along the lines of an undying, loyal, faith-full, love, loving-mercy that God has for us. But in turn we are suppose to have for our neighbors, families, and enemies....ok so maybe not everybody but it is something that we should have. In Micah 6:8 we are told to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. This thing of loving mercy is something that is difficult for me to understand but I think I get it so far....we aren't God; God loves everyone= the evil people who act unjustly are still loved by God. It's here that we are to love the evil person as God would. Not the evil things he does (hate those) but the person he is, b/c you are hoping to affect that person.

I have always known that I can love someone w/o really loving them like I would love a girlfriend. I know the difference, but the hardest thing is explaining it to someone. But what might be one of the hardest things is probably loving your friend and falling in love with that same friend. The idea of loving that person b/c of who they are is still there, but how would you differentiate that love and be able to move forward and love the person as you should in a relationship with them (not only are they a friend, but there is something more). You love the person b/c you two are friends. This friendship grows and becomes later on something that would become a deliberate relationship b/w the two of you. How do you change with the role change, the change in labels. B/c what you did before as friends, is it still ok? Do you need to do more, go a little further to let them know you still care/love them.

Just realized that with any love that is felt be awake to any signs that would allow understanding or help of some sort. Friendship allows an understanding and communication with that person that you love, and love allows something that is far greater than any friendship will allows. I'm not all sure what it is b/c I'm still understanding love, but I know that there are so many more things to it than friendship. The struggle to be a couple, the excitement to constantly being attractive to you love, and the warm feeling of being loved. These are few of many things that I understand. Can you fill me in on any others?

FYI: anything that I write isn't the final-say-so. I'm just writing how I've perceived things, how I understand them, and hoping that someone can fill me in on what's correct, another way of thinking about it, or just to let me know how you take it. Until then, take care and be safe!! :)


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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
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Friends and Other People and Connections

I've been reading a book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and lately it's been talking about loving our neighbors. There are a few key sentences that I've read and one of them is, "To bear the burden of the other person means involvement with the created reality of the other, to accept and affirm it, and in bearing with it, to break through to the point where we take joy in it."~ here what he's saying it that to love your neighbor (listening to them, hearing what he/she has to say, etc.) we must take the time to get involved in their lives. To get close to them so that we know them and they know us. This is difficult for some people. They don't want people to get close, for the fear of being hurt. I understand this, it hurts the first time to be denied or dumped or some other form or rejection. I've found it hard to want to open back up, b/c I don't want to get hurt, but I've been trying to make a conscious effort to still allow people to care and establish a relationship.

Another thing that Bonhoeffer says is that anyone who refuses to bear the burden of his/[her] neighbor, denies the law of Christ. I found this statement to be blunt. That if we don't listen to our brethren, maybe miss one day, then we have denied Christ. This seemed to be a very punishing statement. But it does seem to have an accurate meaning of how Christ lived, b/c he never quit, always loved, cared, listened, taught, etc. It's difficult to constantly have a loving feeling day-in-and-day-out. But supposedly with the help of our neighbors, they will help us through out hard times, and those times we are alone with God, are the times the we are rejuvenated.....it's funny how we are to find our strength in our friends, and, mainly, in Christ. But we feel so embarrassed about it, we don't want others to know us, b/c it's shameful, it's not worth the time, or we don't have time. BUT to know that someone still loves you not matter what happen(ed/s) would be something so great. That they love you no matter what. They care for you b/c they've gotten to know you, they've seen who you really are: your sadness, your un-cute-ness, your happiness, you beauty, your bad days, good days, your ups and down. And on the other end, how do we go about letting them know that we feel this way towards them. When you feel so strongly, that even if we've been rejected we still feel this way. Is this how we are suppose feel, how it's suppose to be; to love, care, etc., without receiving anything in return (or at least it might seem that way b/c we are blinded by something, an emotion maybe.)

To love, is to care about someone; to be available, to give an ear, to lend a shoulder, a vehicle, a dollar. Is it that simple? It might be a little more complex than that. I need to go to bed....let me know what you find out, b/c I'm still lost in all of this, I understand it as much as I understand astrophysics....which is little-to-non.

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
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Happiness...

So when in life are we ever happy? When are we able to relax and enjoy the day? Is it with that special someone, or the place we found and can't ever get too b/c we're too busy? I'm not sure where I feel the happiest, but I guess if I had to pick a place it would be Outward Bound. It's not relaxing as one would describe but it's definitely a place were I feel free. It's not a place or something that I can do everyday or often at that.

What I'm trying to get at is how are we (am I) to find freedom with our busy lives? We do so much and try to appease so many people. If we could find just an hour to ourselves and God, maybe, just maybe we'll have more strength to endure the day and it's many minions. I'm just trying to understand what's happening in my life, maybe someone could give a little helpful hint on how to live it....though it is mine and I won't be able to do it like your way. That's the beauty of it too, life, is that we can't just tell someone to do something one way because that one way might not be "the" way for them. Just like our fingerprints or snowflakes, no life is like the other. So now, why are we so concerned about happiness, or why am I. Sometimes happiness isn't achievable b/c it's not something that would be allowed, or sometimes it's something that we can attain so quickly. I think it's the Greeks who made happiness synonymous with wisdom, knowledge, and right living.....now this seems to be a little different from what we perceive our "inalienable right of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness." I definitely like the Greek way happiness, it's more inclusive, and less self-centered.

Happiness for different people means different things, right?? For one person happiness is being able to play videos games, another wants to be outside, another would like to be with people, and one would want to be alone. It seems that all of these are good, but you still need to be able to say to yourself, "I've been here for a while, how about I go and get some community with my friends, family, or neighbors," or "I might need to take some time for myself, alone. I can tell you right now, that I'm horrible at taking time to be alone. I pretty much need to be around people. It might b/c I'm afraid to be alone, scared to hear God, or too impatient to sit quietly. So I need to work on this. Don't feel bad if you fail the first time. I'm going to take some time alone after this.....I'm not sure what to do, but I'll figure it out! ;-)

Yeah this took a while longer than I thought it would! I'm sure you got bored, but thanks for sticking it through, I'm still learning and growing and glad you could see the questions I have, feel free to leave a comment. Later!!

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
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venting, thoughts, and wonderment....

So I should have done things little better. I know this, and I wish I could fix what happened but I don't think I can. Maybe I should be fine with what I have now, I'm not sure. I think too much, and analyze things too deeply. B/c I want to understand, I want to know why. I want to make it better for the next time. Could my past be the cause of how I think, or is it b/c I'm tired right now. Who knows!!! hahah (it's going to be a long me, me, me blog...oh how I truly hate it hahaha) I'm not happy right now, b/c I know it could be better....if only I had wanted to discuss the issue earlier, then maybe I or we wouldn't be having this problem/kerfuffle. It may not be my fault, but it sure does feel it. In class the number one thing that people must learn to do is "learn from their mistakes and move on," so it's my goal to be better and learn from this most interesting situation. No I'm not happy about it, but since when has life been a cake walk. :) Not at all, unless I'm mistaken.

I feel the problem was the role change. From a set, comfortable role, to one that, maybe, we weren't quite ready for. It's just amazing though how the little things can change. Frustrating, confusing and interest just fill my mind. I have no idea why. But also I'm filled with happiness, gratitude, thankful, and maybe a little more understanding. Life is a beautiful thing that many of us don't understand....I know I don't!!! Love, too, is something that is elusive. :) You can have many different types of love, and each one has it's special purpose, I'm not going to go into each of them, but do know that not all love is is the same. I don't know how to explain it, but even though things aren't going too well, i still have this sense of care. We haven't talked, or hung out really, but we've said hi, watched a movie with some friends. I'm waiting for her to give some sign that says, something along the line of , "it's ok to talk to me." Space is a good thing, b/c it allows us to see where our hearts lay, what's important, and maybe even catch up on some work that needs to be done. An even better thought is , what if I got it all wrong, maybe I don't know anything, that's the way life goes I guess, we feel like we understand when we don't really ..... but still, thank you so far, it's means the world to me, b/c I love learning and growing. I'm a nerd!!! hahaha

So maybe this isn't a vent that I thought it would be, it's a good one. I'm pleased with life, it's freaking hard, tiring, confusing, and tring. And also....I jsut have a bunch of positive stuff to say that I don't wnat to right now...so I'm done. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I can't quit. I hating quiting and/or failing....failing is for another day though. If you've read this, have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening and take care. Thanks :)

The Human Body: Part I

The human body is something of great amazement. Our feet is just one body part and if something is wrong with it, just the slightest. That little difference can affect the rest of our body. There is something called Morton's Toe, where the second toe is out further than the big toe. This difference alters the way the weight of the body is distributed, more weight is on the second toe than it should be. Increasing the risk of a fracture of the toe, and pain on the rest of the foot. But after a while of being used to the situation the body will increase the density of the bone of that toe to allow it to take on more stress. Just something this is amazing.....dog and cats I believe can do this too! Cool stuff. Just think about all the stuff that we do every day from our walking, lifting, and bending, to our tougher stuff, of sports, work, and training. I'll tell more again later, there s much, much more. Such an amazing machine, we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made......

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Now playing: Maroon 5 - Goodnight Goodnight
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Learning never stops...

It's way too late for me to be up. I need to get to bed to do the feeding ministry, and be able to study, and maybe hangout with my friends, I sure would like to do that, but I have my reasons why I don't need to. Here's something that I've learn this week thus far....

Give your worries to Christ....who are we to see Christ in? The people around us. Search for the Christ that's in your neighbor. If you feed you best friend b/c he has no money for that day, adn we feed him/her we are feeding Christ. We are supposed to give to them and in return we are suppose to receive. Give unconditionally, and love unconditionally...no if's, and's or but's. It that simple huh?? NO!!! Sorry, it is easier said than done. This itself is the beauty about our lives, is that we tend to mess up but we are given many opportunities to better ourselves and to better others.

I'm not perfect...No, I feel like I'm the worst person in the world sometimes but I know that I can do better tomorrow or the next time around..... So what do you do if, when you try better you get stuck, you don't know what to do, and/or you're just getting it wrong again.....Ok so stick with me... maybe we are suppose to ask. Ask, what can I do better to be a better friend, boyfriend, brother, son, father, husband, or another role that we are to fill (and the female ones, for you females). What do you think???? What if you feel uncomfortable with all of "this?" Now that's the hard thing, comfortability is something that needs to be stretched, pushed to the edge. For if we don't get to edge, we might not know how we'll act when that situation comes to pass. Maybe it's about confidence, is confidence something that we need to get some of these things right? B/c if we didn't get it wrong we might not know how to get it right, and w/o confidence we aren't "strong" enough to go to the edge, to test to see if it's wrong. Is it wrong?

Oh man many times, if I could quit, I'm afraid that I might actually quit: life, school, and trying to be a good person, but you know what, I'm glad that I don't. I'm glad that I'm here in my life, with all of its problems, challenges, and its many things that can go wrong, b/c I really do love it. Some don't but I do. I love my life, though it does stink, suck, and/or even blows, but I'm here and I love it. I'm a dork, who thinks too much. :)

Effort, work, patience, smile.....

Its hard to act towards something when you feel like the answer, you're hoping won't come, is looking you right in the face. But it might be important enough that you still go ahead and act. Maybe what you want to say or do, is what they are hoping for, or maybe you didn't get the answer at all. Life.... Oh life, and it's infinite challenges. I know that it won't ever be easy, but I sure do wish it would sometimes. We have to worry about so much stuff from how we act around people, be careful not to offend the wrong people and maybe even how well we talk to people. It's the most frustrating thing to think about. i'm not happy at all with the eggshells that some people have to walk.

The most confusing thing that I never understood until last night was how to give all you can, abut also take time for yourself. I know it's important to pray and ask for help. Patience is something that I need to work on. Not everything will come to me just because I want it to. I have to work for it, and maybe, sometimes, the harder I worked for it, the better the out come....but now all the time. Take time for myself to "energize" myself, b/c if I'm tired, I can't do what I want to do with my whole heart and strength.

But the final thing is that someone is tired, not matter how the day ends. We are tired, but so much is asked of us, and me must still continue on with a smile. Why? Why must we smile, what's the reason/purpose to it? I don't know, but for me, smiling is something that I can do. I'm alive, able to write this blog. After a hard day, all I can do is smile, b/c the day is ending, that hard part was over, and I can move on. Many people can't move on, some wouldn't want to move on. Don't neglect what you went through, but don't let it just sit there like an old pair of shoes, b/c that day is useful the next.......want to know what's confusing. Sometimes we must not forget what happened, and tomorrow work even harder to get it done. Talk to that person, achieve what is asked of you, and when it's done, pick your head up and smile at the person. It might mean the world to them. :)


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Now playing: Coldplay - Scientist
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A Devotion....

I did my first devotion in my sport psychology class. I didn't like it b/c I don't like the idea of people seeing how I struggle. I'm game for being there for others, but I find it hard to let people know that I need them. Since day-one of this semester, it's been difficult. I can do the work, and function in class, but it's life now that's making my days difficult. I've been good at keeping my emotions from dominating my mind and what I'm doing, but so far, I've had to leave something so that I don't have to worry about bursting out.....I may have lost the control of my emotions that I had. Why has this happened? I shouldn't allow my emotions control, it's a response that originates in the brain, so I should be able to control them. But during my devotion, I was able be coherent but it was hard to not cry. I broke down, now this is highly discomforting, having to do a devotion to begin with, and then breaking-down.

I did a devotion on Psalms 88 and Romans 8:26-28. It's hard to live and to go through life with what we do. Sometimes I do feel that I'm alone, but I remember that Christ is there with me. Praying for me just as much if not more than I'm praying to him. The prof made the guys in the class huddle behind me and pray for my weakness and for my strength. It was highly comforting this time, to know that these people care enough to pray for someone who doesn't know them well enough.

I've found out what to tell a friend about how I feel and that I hope things go well for her. It's been a while, I've been trying to figure out what to say and how to say it....I has to be perfect!!! hahaha But i know now that I doesn't and it's quite simple. But for now, I need to go talk to someone that I trust, and release what I've been holding in. There is so much more to say and some much to express, but for now I'll end it on this..... It is difficult to smile at what life has dealt you, but find a way to smile, and learn from it. Find someone to express things to: ideas, thoughts, complaints, happiness, and crying. Be comfotable and don't fret, please don't fret. It'll be ok. :: smiles and hugs::

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Now playing: Johnny Cash - On The Evening Train
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Welcome...

Life is something that is wonderful and depressing at times. But being able to wake up each day and thanking the Lord for being able to wake up and function throughout the day. I'm not a huge religious person, as I would say some people are, compared to me. I believe in Christ, His teaches, the way of life we should leave, but I still question why he wants to do things that way. Actually I question a lot. I believe that questioning God about the things he does is important, as long as it's respectfully. I question why I have lived a life I have, why He wanted me to be the way I am, and why it's my life that is special...why am I special to Him?

I don't expect an answer to any questions, but I know that I'll find out soon...though soon is a relative term. Out of all my life's moments, my favorite is the feelings for someone right now. She's challenged me, from being a better student to being more confident. She doesn't know this, I'm not sure if she'll ever know. Hopefully I'll tell her soon, we should be getting together for some chill time. I really love those moments b/c I can talk to her with no influence from anyone. But the only thing I'm unconfident with is that I feel I don't have good topics to discuss. I can chat with my friends differently but it's hard to keep the conversation going. It's a goal of mine to be comfortable with her as I do with my friends, but still care for her, and some how let her know that I care for he deeply.

There are many things that I don't know but I wish I do/did. Knowing all of these things is impossible, so I have to be content with what I'm getting now, and learn to give back with what I've been allowed to have. I hope that someone else out there is struggling with me. And if so, don't be afraid to have help, to give help, or to be called upon. Life is something that is funny, thought provoking, and challenging. I hope someone else will see this too.