Finals, procrastination

The end of the semester is here. There's not a lot left to do but study. My friends are getting ready to head out. This is there last year here. :) I'm so proud for them, so truly proud that they are almost done. It has been a long, hard-fought, achievement. It's a melancholy and bitter sweet thing. They've been here for 4 years, it's a short time when thinking of it, but living it, it's been forever. I don't know what's going to happen. Of course i have to finish, my double major. But for them, I don't know what's in store. I want, want them to be comfortable in not knowing what's ahead, it's not a requirement that has to be done, it's not something that is looming at them. It's another step that's requiring the same dedication as their school work.

We have to take care of ourselves, each other, our work, and our spirit. We have to be purposeful in finding something to keep us grounded, someone, something to be there to say, "hey, what are you doing," "Why are you doing that," "Do you know what will happen if that is done." I genuinely worry about them, like a parent or a sibling. They are responsible people, but still it's something that I'll worry about. Hahaha We all will be there. I feel loved, when my friends ask me and get on to me if I miss a meal, or if I am considering to skip a class.

But for now, we have to focus on our finals. Get it done, pull the all niter, and achieve the A that we desire so much!!!!

Am I Christian...

I really hope so, b/c me believing in Christ is all for not if I'm not. I'm jokingly ask this question; people at school hate Obama being president, say we are doomed, The Christian Nation know as America is gone, we're all going to hell..... REALLY!!! How ignorant can you be.

Let's see, ever since the party system in America has been created there has been a group who believed in a more centralized government, and people who believe in a less centralized government. That means every time someone from the democratic side has always brought hell to the US, nothing but hell. If hell means you have to pay more taxes, means the government helps the people a little more with the taxes that we give. Then yes we are in a hellish nation.

But how on earth is it that you have to be Republican if you're Christian....... wait, wait, what is it that CHrist wanted for the nation of men? Ah yes the Kingdom of God, a kingdom that looks like what? Everyone who's rich, has Mercedes, huge houses, big lawns with people who work it, huge lavish theaters in your homes.... yeah right. Christ wanted the leader to be the lowest person...not compete for being the lowest, but to just be the lowest. Wash feet of the people, serve everyone, help the poor, feed the hungry: WALK HUMBLY. If we had something we gave it away so someone else could have it. It's like the kid that Shaine saw in Calcuda. He gave the child an icecream cone, the kid instead of eating it all, let EVERY KID lick the cone. He gave away to let the others kids try it. That's what Christ wanted.

Christ is a socialist. He wanted things to be shared. His lifestyle is a socialistic one, he loved everyone....even the people who stabbed him, beat him with the cat-of-nine-tails. In the face of death, he told the people he loved them. Thats what Christ and God wants for us, to share the Holy Spirit with everyone. We are to bring the Mana to the People. He doesn't rain Mana down anymore. We are to go out and minister to people, teach, educate, love, to give constructive critisism, to CON-Front issuse TOGETHER (not against each other).

God loves everyone, Christ loves everyone. They may have done wrong, but he loves us. He loves them even if they do go to hell. Love the sinner, not the sin. Aren't we told to do that....so does Christ do that, OF COURSE. Better than we EVER will.

I'm a Christian, American. I am a person who believes in the Kingdom of God, who just so happens lives in the USA. This means I'm to represent my nation, my kingdom well, an Ambassador for GOD. I believe in the nation and am proud of the freedoms that the US believes... BUT I m not a fan of how we go about enforcing, making into law what it does our beliefs, on to other nations. We are not to be a nation that occupies other nations to protect ourselves, to make sure our ideals are met around the world.

If you look at Alexander the Great, and The Roman empire. What all did the they do? They wanted to rule the world. Unify the world and it's nations, so there is a better way of life for all. Alexander had Helenization, all nation knew Greek. Romans wanted their way of life to be spread all over the world. What is the USA doing. Spreading Democracy. Spreading it like it's the correct way to live, the only way to live. If you think so, that's fine, b/c we are all allowed to have our own beliefs. But I think we are now a "bully nation," a nation that want's it way to be done...like a spoiled brat. We have always gotten our way, and the world has catered to us. We were powerful. But now Wallstreet, isn't busy, barely enough work to stay on it. Our super power is gone....not b/c of one side or another, just because of the way it's run now.

Our power seat, throne, is gone...we didn't call "5", or say "seat Check," we can call "Dibs," or anything. It's gone and the rest of the world can grab it. Just like Alexander the Great, Roman Empire, the American Empire has fallen. I'm not saying we want exist, but we'll have to rebuild and think differently. Just like how the German Fatherland, Russian Motherland, had to find a way into a stable, more homeostatic level or existence, the American Homeland will have to find a comfort level and be strong, find pride in our down time. Rely on Christ, and Trust in GOD, b/c He said that things occur b/c he let it, b/c he deemed fit.


I'm sorry if I offended anyone. But I'm glad, if it did, this blog got you thinking. I"m not right. I don't have all the answers. To you I'm the only person who is just spouting opinions. Have a wonderful day. Keep thinking, and processesing ideas.

Love...which type? How to express it.

It's odd. This past break I could stop thinking about her again. I don't want to think of her as if I could date her, b/c I can't. She's into another guy, and really wants it to work out well. I can't do much to help her with it, b/c it's all on her own dime. I'm not going to lie, but I do love her. I care for her and want her relationship to blossom, but these past 4 days my mind has been entertaining the idea of loving her as if I could hold her, her hand and we would be happy together. ha that boat has sailed. :) I have no idea what to do. I know that before I wanted to let her know that I do love her, the love that a friend would have for her. I didn't, I don't know why.

She's a wondeful friend. I'm there for her when she needs me. But lately there isn't anythign there, like everything is ok to a degree that we don't need to talk or walk. I'll need to go on a walk with her or some coffee, just so we can hang out. I perfer one-on-one time, that's how I relate with people. it's difficult but I feel unrushed. i do feel weird b/c it's hard to talk about something. With her though, we can sit and wait for something to be said. I feel fine. I don't have to say something. So i know that i want to walk or go get coffee. Step one, step two just let the conversation be as it is....but do I let her know that I do love her. Oh or do I just say it one day. Do I jsut say I Love You? I have no idea. I'm thinking too much, and this blog is begining to seem like crap.....uggghhh!!!! I'm off to bed b/c I have a test to do.

life 2.3....WooOOoOoooOooOOO

Half way through my senior year of college. To be honest this semester seems so fake. I've been stressed with the fist 3 years of college from day one. This semester is the most easily doable semester ever. I feel like it shouldn't exist. I can be with my friends, study, do some work for money. Right now the thing that plagues me is my trucks issues, and my laundry. It feels like such a joke at times.

But it's my rest; I miss ATEP so much. I only hope that I'll be able to get back to it, and be able to be a useful person in the work force and honestly...volunteer to help people, help them to live longer, affect people, open others' eyes, and help to change their community, city, county, state, region, time zone, country, hemisphere, and finally world.....baby steps....

Baby steps is what's needed to make anything happen; lose weight, change habits, change a life style. There is SO much to fix, to make better, to change...even if it's not "broken," it's not right. I don't want to be the person who says something and doesn't do it (communication is important....I need to do that too.) I need to make some steps towards a healthier life. I need to act on a better eating style.

The other thing that I'm having to work is being able keep relationships that i have with my friends. I need to listen more, "no words, just emotions,"~ ST hahaha I've been doing well at it. I guess I need to understand that I really don't know everything. Life is difficult and there are trials that might suck really bad, that's all I got for now.

I was the DD a few nights ago, and it was a lot of fun. DDing is something that I really enjoy. You get to see how people are, in a slight primordial state. Some are freaking retarded when they speak, some are cognitive and just talkative, and others are just the stereotypical loving person. We went to a pretty cool place. It was packed, and a bit wild. But it was an experience that I haven't had in a while. HAHAHA I'm glad I don't drink, people do get pissed, upset, short-tempered, and different. I'm not condemning the people who drink or get drunk, but it's not something that I want to be apart of.

Like i had said earlier, it's so close to the end of college. I would love to graduate with my friends, but that's probably not going to happen. ST had said before that friends can be like seasons, here and gone. There is a certain place for them in our lives. But what I hope is that they don't leave my life. I love them all so very much and honestly hope that we can stay in contact. ST hopefully will be someone who can call me when ever, and I can call her. Chris and Kev are just as important.

Well for now I'm at work, it's 8 in the morning. I'm getting an hour for a friend who really wanted the rest. There is so much more but my mind is beginning to become flooded with thoughts. :) Sometimes I wonder if I should be a psych major, but I would probably think I have answers too. lol Thank you for listening/reading, be safe.

why cna't I add a picture....grr more frustration

Half way through my senior year of college. To be honest this semester seems so fake. I've been stressed with the fist 3 years of college from day one. This semester is the most easily doable semester ever. I feel like it shouldn't exist. I can be with my friends, study, do some work for money. Right now the thing that plagues me is my trucks issues, and my laundry. It feels like such a joke at times.

But it's my rest; I miss ATEP so much. I only hope that I'll be able to get back to it, and be able to be a useful person in the work force and honestly...volunteer to help people, help them to live longer, affect people, open others' eyes, and help to change their community, city, county, state, region, time zone, country, hemisphere, and finally world.....baby steps....

Baby steps is what's needed to make anything happen; lose weight, change habits, change a life style. There is SO much to fix, to make better, to change...even if it's not "broken," it's not right. I don't want to be the person who says something and doesn't do it (communication is important....I need to do that too.) I need to make some steps towards a healthier life. I need to act on a better eating style.

The other thing that I'm having to work is being able keep relationships that i have with my friends. I need to listen more, "no words, just emotions,"~ Sloane hahaha I've been doing well at it. I guess I need to understand that I really don't know everything. Life is difficult and there are trials that might suck really bad, that's all I got for now.

::sigh::

I was so close to telling her. But then i had to screw the whole thing up with one little act. She doesn't know about it or how I feel. It's fruitless for me to tell her. I think so.... I feel so defeated. They're embarrassed and watching the stars. I'm picking up an application for someone. She's happy. That's a good thing. That's what makes me feel glad....but honestly I feel so broken. It's funny b/c I feel like a duck, calm on the surface, but working so hard underneath the water.

So tomorrow, will be another day. A chapel, a class, and an end of the week. A weekend. Homework, in the PCSU, and bed at 1. A comfortable day, found in content. Nothing different, exciting, or great. Except for my best friend. My favorite person to talk to, to listen to, to wonder things with. :) I'm glad you're happy now, you haven't told me yet, but I can pull things from vagueness, from you and others. This makes me happy. Work hard for it, and endure. I love you. I really do love you. I've never felt more sure. This is what I wanted to say, this is what I hoped to say....I might still, but my hoping for anything more has been shot.

Have a most wonderful evening. Sleep well, with a smile, warmth in your heart, and calm in your self. I hope tomorrow will be good to you. You deserve it, and fun.

Good Night! Take Care :)

senior year in college

I'm about 3wks into my senior year. It's been exciting, physically and mentally. I'm no where near as stressed as I was with ATEP. Math is starting to come back to me b/c of my new stats class for PE. I have to teach swimming for my "Teaching Individual/Life Time Activities." We have been doing a whole lot so far. All I need to do is just start a routine. My toughest class right now is Environmental Science. It has a lot of reading and random pop-quizzes, not the most exciting thing but it does keep us accountable for our readings. I've been able to hang out with my friends more. Chris and I are roommates and so this makes me happy b/c he's finishing college and he's a cool person to talk to and listen to.

Chris and I have been able to show off out culinary skills a little more so far. We've has a few of our friend over and have been able to entertain them and feed them. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we can provide a little bit for our friends.

The most challenging thing so far this semester is being fine-tuning the relationship that I have and understanding how I stand in them, what it is that I'm providing for them, and how I'm able to affect the people. I'm big on experience and trying my best to adapt to what's new. But when it comes to relationship, I have no idea where what goes. I have a friend that I care about a lot. I would like to be more than friends, but in turn I don't know if I do. Just b/c of how many times I try to be there for her, she doesn't understand that I'm right there, waiting to be "seen" and spoken. It's been like that for while now. The worst case scenario is that we are just friends and nothing further will come out of what we do have. The best case scenario is the opposite. She'll accept being more than friends. I'm fine either way, b/c I would love to have a definite stance on our relationship. The other thing is, if she does say yes, what now? I don't understand what come next. We've been like this for a while, dinners, lunches, movies, random excursions for food, going to parks to study, walk and talk, etc. Is there suppose to be a difference? What does it look like? How do I go about it? Am I capable of being more than a friend?



Chris said that he seems signs and signals that I keep missing, that he's come to just accept my denseness. He hopes that I'll "just know" who she is, and go for it. B/c of this "I'll just know" thing, I'm not sure if She is that person who "I'll know." I'm a practical person; I try not to let my emotions to over come my judgment. We've been friends for a while now, and we do have a whole lot in common, and a lot of experiences to share about life. I care and love her still after knowing the dark things that she brings to our relationship. I know that I love her. That is something that I do know. But I'm not sure what love it is that I have.



I'm off to bed. I'm at work and it's just ended. I hope everyone is doing ok. I really do have a lot of questions and no answers, as frustrating as it is, I really like it like this too. Good night everyone.



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Now playing: Howie Day - Collide
foxyTunes

call me...

Sometime in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise we know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong and
I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride if I have things
You need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
that you won't let show

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long till 'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Just call on me brother when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
if you just call me

Just call me when you need a friend
Just call me when you need a friend...
________________________________

This is the song that Mom and I sang in second grade many times. It was a bad year for me, and my new life with my new parents. I was being discipled and being loved by people who cared about where I go, and what I do. It was a tough year, and new rules.

Life is something that is difficult. My friends are aware of this. This is a song that I really love and appreciate. I attach it with love and caring. B/c my, at the time, new mom and dad love and care for me. And now, I only hope I can't live this out as someone needing someone to lean on, so I'm not alone, but also as someone to be leaned on. "I may have boney shoulders, but my torso isn't"~a friend said that once.

Hang in there please. I love you and hope I'm doing all I can to help you.

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Now playing: The Temptations - Lean on Me
via FoxyTunes

So close to another year....

Summer is over or almost over. I'm about to be busy again. I'm going to changing majors. I don't know if I'm making the correct decision. My closest friend thinks I am. My parents saw I wasn't doing well in my previous major. I'm almost done with the ATEP program. I'm tired of the people the classes and the requirement of it though. I've just become burned out by it. I love the stuff that it require us to do "out there." I want to finish it and be a useful person to others and help to maintain their lives so they can live long and healthy lives so they'll be around for their kids lives, to see grandchildren and have many Christmases with their families.

My dream job is the work with Outward Bound for some time. To lead people through the challenges and to see them grow out of who they are in there life before this. Seeing them realize that life is challenging but is manageable, exciting, and unpredictable. What am I good @? What do I love/am I passionate about? ...... The growth of people, learning, having others learning, understanding people, b/c that allows me to find out about who I am and how I fit in with others. I love figuring stuff out, but having help to support me and for me to talk things about. Their perspectives and their beliefs.

I'm about to start a position in the council that I'm in. I'm nervous, anxious, excited, like the feeling when you get when you're about to see her for the first time a long time, getting ready for prom. So it's a good feeling. I have a vision for the group, i just hope they will have one too. It's not my vision that I want to set the group on, it's our vision.

She's lost the person who made her happy. I could see it just before it actually happened. It was in her countenance. I was amazed at how bad I felt for her. I didn't have feeling for him, but her brokenness made me feel an ache too. This is a feeling that I find very uncomfortable. I don't like going to bed with this feeling. An actual ache in my chest, in my heart.

So all I understand now is that I'm changing majors, my friends aren't feeling a hundred percent right now, and I'm unsure about what my future holds. I know that my parents are behind me with support. My friends are there. She believes in me, should that really matter to me.... yeah b/c if i didn't then I wouldn't have said something...hahaha oh the fun of analyzing! :) School is abuot to start, and I'm going to need to focus ALOT this semester and if I do well....can I do SLC...no b/c of practicum. Either way I'm here, right now. I need to enjoy it. But also when this is done, what will I do next? What needs to be done after graduation? What do I see myself doing after I get the degree? What do I see myself going?

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Now playing: Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Can't Take My Eyes Off You
via FoxyTunes

I wonder...

It's been an interesting past few months. The summer has been nice for me, and quite pleasant. My friends are here, my family is doing well, and I still need to clean my room. lol But unfortunately it's coming to the time where i figure out, "what the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life....or what am I going to do for the next 5 years. It's not that i hate my major, but the atmosphere isn't supportive, and I feel very much alone. I really dislike that feeling. I have friends, but when you're in a place that requires many hours at a time, and you don't have a connection with someone there, it gets hard, laborious, and worthless. My parents wonder if I like what I'm doing. "You don't seem passionate at it, should you consider anything else?" Really, right now, when I have one more year left..... How can I drop what I've been doing for so long for something that would be an unpractical work force? How could i earn a living doing outdoors stuff? I might switch to Outdoor Recreation. I really love Outward Bound, that's my dream job….I think. See that's the problem, I don't know what my passion is. I know some things that I like but I feel so lost right now, if I had to go out and get a job. I'm good at picking stuff up and learning new things, but I'd prefer to do something that keeps things exciting, and not monotonous. I like the SLC and watching TV with my friends, but it's when we SLC and my friends, when we do something different that excites me. "Yeah lets do it, we haven't done it before. I'm not sure how it'll go over but you know it'll be fun to find out." I love experiencing things.

Something that was offered as an idea was to join the military. What would I do? Medic, Operator of a tank, helicopter, some vehicle, or would I be a grunt? If I did go in the military, I would love to be an officer. My Dad ended his career as a Captain, and he was apart of the MP….I could be a police officer if I entered. The down side is that, I have the stereotypical thought of being broken down and built up as a machine or some thing that wouldn't question or have morals. I know the military isn't that but I do understand that for these people to go out and shoot someone or some act of the type, there has to be some form of distancing oneself from the humanity, and killing someone. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of actually becoming someone who is angry, and violent. I don't want to hurt anyone; I've been through enough to know that I don't want to hurt anyone in any way. And when I do, I feel it deep down.

The exciting thing to remember is the traveling that could occur. The amount of connects that good I could obtain and the influence, that could be positive. Dad met many people and went many places in his 2 years of service and he was able to figure out what it is that he should do. I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation right now, and school is about to start. Am I going to try and finish something that's hard for me to get the first time….why do grades matter so much, I know this stuff, but I have to have a certain grade to be able to be considered to go further in life? FOR ME TO GO FUTHER IN LIFE, I HAVE TO HAVE A PREREQUISITE THAT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN I'M OLDER!!!!! DAMN!! "It's a tattoo on your ass that won't ever come off." That's what my dad said last year. I understand it though, I just don't like it. ::sign::

I'm not saying my friends have everything in order and they know exactly what they are doing, but they, as far as I can tell, know what they're going to do for grad school or know they need to go. I, I don't know what I'm doing right now……. It's going to be sad seeing them all go. Right now I'm studying for a test that is tomorrow. I'm excited b/c I know I'll doo well. I know my stuff now, I've been able to read it and understand what the author is telling me. But it's frustrating that I have to do it again. That's the way it is for now; understand, learn, and get it right.

Things are easy now, I only wish it would last just a little bit longer (hahaha interesting how it parallels the song). I think that's what we always want when we feel at ease, comfortable, or secure where we are at the time, or at least not wanting th change to come...too soon. :)

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Now playing: Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

via FoxyTunes

4th of July

I went to a fireworks display over in Chatty last night. It was such a wonderful time to be there. So many people there. All their children to come and experience something amazing. So many generations of people there. People from different times, with different histories, with different perspectives on what the USA has been, is, and can be.

On the surface, we are a community that loves each other, and are united by our devotion to our country. Something to feel proud, something to smile, and something to celebrate about. We are free to be who we wnat to be and have oppurtunities to achieve many things. It's something amazing to see and compare, that we are able to assemble together for fun and for no real purpose. We aren't gathering to be told that we are going to war, or to be addressed that we have to change something, that the new dictator is someone who will change things. We aren't being manipulated.... and being made to do anything against our wills.

The other thing that struck me odd this time are amount of kids and their fathers that were there. The family was there. They were there having fun, chasing each other, playing games, playing cards. I guess just being a normal family. Interestingly enough, I felt different at this site. I wasn't sad or upset. i think it was something of longing, a wishing for that. My parents here are amazing and love me. When i was little I didn't have a father. It was mom and me. So maybe it was b/c of the site of the families playing together and having fun, that made me long for "that." Honestly, I've never really cared about my dad, b/c my parents now are the people who love me and take care of me, they are the people to took the time to get to know me and love me. But this was the first time that I felt sad about it.

My friends are growing up too. They have found people and are ever so happy, or at least they appear it to me. I feel so ecstatic for them b/c they've been wanting to be happy but couldn't find the right thing. and it funny, b/c I've heard before that when your friends start dating, you start to become a little jealous or "left out." But it's not he jealousy or being left behind. It's the fact that you realize that it's time to move on. Things will change, and relationships will solidify is certain ways. I know I'm proud for them and honestly hope for the best, b/c they've need happiness like this for a LONG time! :) or at least from where I see it. One is getting married. This excites me, b/c they needed to be for a long time. I just hope it goes well, I'm sure it will, b/c they've been able to understand each other, learn about each other, and have practically lived together. I really love both of them so I'm excited to see them get together.

They are growing up, one is going to join the peace corp. WOW! now that's some fun. i would love to do that. They are figuring stuff out, and getting ready to take on the what's ahead. I guess I'm not a prepared, or so it feels. I have some much to learn and gain before I can afford a house, pay rent, bills, and buy my groceries. I more frightened, the planning that will need to be done. I love having a plan, but this one is something that if I mess up, I'm in the hole, for a long time. But it's somethign that will be done whether I like it or not. I'm not ever sure how to start. i just need to finish my undergrad, and maybe go straight to grad school, peace corp, or job. Who knows....I'll need to soon. haha




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Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
via FoxyTunes

Is it a change...

I haven't written a short while, so I thought I'd give it another go! Things are going well. I feel, internally, happier than I have in awhile. I kinda found something out today, and I'm only hoping it really is what I think it is. For me if my friends are happy then I am happy. It's something odd to think about, that if someone is upset it affects me and so I feel up set, but today they've been smiley. It's a hidden thing, b/c I'm sure they didn't know but it's noticeable. It's a peaceful feeling to know that as of now I have nothing to worry about or think about. I hope it'll last too.

For me I'm comfortable. I'm having to retake some tests to make a better grade. My mind is focused and working hard for this first one. It'll all be over soon, college is really going by quickly but it's taking a long time too. I worried about doing well, and getting a degree that I need. What am I going to do after school? Do I need to go get a job straight away? I just want a rest so I can just be irresponsible for a bit. But this is something that won't occur, I'm in control of something important, and too many people are around for me to go on cruise control. The most worry-sum thing to hear is that, "you affect anyone that you meet. From the first time you meet to the last one." Great so now i have to be on the ball all the time....though I do have weaknesses, and will mess up.

I don't know. I'm tired right now. I have one more year of college and I'm close to entering a world that I have not been prepared for all that much. Where am I going to live? What is my job? How much will i need for food, electricity, my cell phone bill, the gas needed to get anywhere.... The training wheels are almost gone and will be gone for probably the rest of my life. Then later on, I'm going to want to be with someone. How am I going to invest into her life? Am I ready for the big times? Probably. Nothing will ever really prepare us for this. Our parents talk about it, but we don't understand how it works, feels, or stresses us until we can engage it fully. Will I be able to handle it.

For now....I need to go to bed to get a grill, and enjoy my job and grill for 120 something people. I'm excited about that. Who will i meet...will I meet someone? Ok so that's retarded, for something like that to be said... Just never mind that. I'm just curious and need things planned, ready, and something prepared for what ever tomorrow holds. I miss my white board. I miss the coffee, the movie time. I need a walk, yeah that might help me to relax. HAHAHA!!!

After reading what I just wrote, this hit me. I need to make a call on Monday and see if I can get back in my schedule. It'll be good to get that routine back.


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Now playing: Augustana - Boston
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a little blurb..

SO I'm going to Cuba on Monday. I'm so excited!!! She's off to Europe for a poli-si cross-cultural. She's excited. Her and her roommate is going. Maybe they'll be able to communicate again. I'm so excited and worried at the same time for both trips. I hope all goes well and no one gets into major trouble, deported or anything. I'm going to miss her too. hahaha big surprise right? well I am. I hope that over the next two weeks i'l lbe able to find a way to "Say, what [I] need to say" b/c well it'll make life a little easier...maybe! lol. It could make it a little weirder.

But for now I'm getting ready for my trip and finishing my tests!!! Oh Lord please bring strength and wisdom to what needs to be done. I'm tired and need to head to bed. I'll write more later on. Take care, I'll miss you and everyone else. Arielle and Elaina left. Chris is leaving in August. It's all going to change soon and already has at the same time. Let us all have strength to understand it and accept it so we can continue what needs to be done. Not close off from others, and to continue meeting new people.

Night!

a venting, Ni Hao!!! :)

So this year is coming to an end. I'm having to apply for a job, get ready for my cross cultural, and wonder about my friends. Who's all that's going to stay here for sure. How am I going to keep in touch? Will I really try to keep in touch? But for now I need to stay focused on what's at hand. I'm definately not happy with the results that I've gotten adn that I'll be getting. I've worked hard this semester, and it's all gone to crap. I hate being pulled thin by my classes alone. Then I have my extracuricular activites that I wish to do, then I need to figure out cna I be a friend who's active in their lives and still be a studious person. Ah, I just give up....not really. I don't quit, it's not what I do. I would like to though. I just wish I had help this past semester. Of all the semesters of needing help, I needed for this one. How is it that they were too busy, or they wanted to hang out with their freinds, or they "forgot" to get back with me. Just say, "Sorry, it's not on my to-do list." You know, that would make life easier. yeah I'm up set and I dislike it, b/c I cna't do anythign about to fix it. There are 3 of us in the major and they are just too busy/"busy" to study.

THe year is almost over, I have one more day, and a bunch of papers to ahve signed, some funiture to move out, some papers to copy, and some trips to go on. I hope this summer I'll be able to rest and still be able to get a job. I sure hope everyone else is doing well, and their GPA is taking advanage of how well they are doing. I hate GPAs, I'm a smart person, but my test grades are the only things that'll keep me from getting to Grad. School, and now insurence will be higher b/c I don't ahve a 3.0 anymore. You see, all of this is dependent on just two digits and a decimal point. But I live here in this culture, so i have to adapt to is and find a way to succed in what they reaquire of me.

I hope you're doing ok too. I really haven't seen much of you. I'm saddened by it, but am I able to? Should I be? Why? Does it really matter? Well I'm sure you're better off than me. hahaha I'm sure your summer will go well and you'll find out what you're doing and be able to work are for what it is that you're hoping to achieve. Don't fret b/c you'll find it all out, it jsut takes time. I hope you're patient enough to relax and wait. :)

Good Night! I have two more exams to do and hopefully I'll recieve good results. Wish me luck! I wish you luck for all you're doing and your strength. :)

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Now playing: Jack Johnson - Never Know
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why do we need others.....

Right now I just feel like I'd be fine if I didn't rely on anyone. I don't want anyone to want me to be there for them. I don't want to care for anyone. I don't want to be the person that everyone loves to have help them. I don't want to care about school. I just wnat to be alone, whallo in something. I'm fearful.....

It's important to learn, grow, and take care of oneself. How do we go about doing this w/o the interceding of someone else? I'm not sure, but it's good to have some loving critics (some that aren't afraid to tell you the truth, but still love you and say it in a loving way). So does that mean that we have to be with people in order to grow holistically? Probably. We have to be @ school to learn, we learn better when we meet and greet people, and hear their stories.

Something that I'm trying to change is how i interact with others. I really do love being with people, but I don't show zeal when I talk or mannerism (I'm stoic or seem apathetic, probably). It's not a bad thing but it shows others that I'm not interested. I feel like I have to be allowed to show my feelings/emotions for topics, people or what ever. I've trained myself even at an early age not to say anything, "you don't speak unless spoken to, or answer a question unless it's asked to you"....the latter part I've been able to change a bit. So because of this I don't tell others how i feel about them....and this can form tensions on the inside. So I'm slowly learning and trying how it is to show how I feel towards others. The biggest fears about this is the unknowing reaction that can occur when I let others know how i feel. It's funny b/c I want to express it but I'm afraid to. How do you deal with that one? HAHAHA

We all live and learn. So what? Well as I had alluded to earlier we learn from out mistakes, errors that we had made. From there we either teach others from it and/or we take it and we think about it. "How has this changed me," "What can i learn from this," "Did I learn anything from this?" In the end, even if we don't notice a change, we did change. We are wiser, stronger, smarter, more aware of our actions and are able alter before it's too late, and even bigger we learn that love, relationships, and any for of interaction b/w two people takes time. It takes, in a sense, trial and error to end up with happiness, per se, with that person.

So what have I learn from this? I don’t know…. I have some many questions, so many issues with who I am, so many wants for myself, and so many emotions for other people. This tells me that I want to grow and that I need others to help me. So how do I go about with that…“Hey, how are you? How am I doing as a person, friend, leader, and Christian?”

By the way, this one blog took me a couple weeks to do and finish, so it’s definitely filled with thoughts (figuratively). I hope that I'll still rely on others to help me learn, grow, care, love, and to be the person I should be, need to be, and am being called/asked to be. It does take courage to live everyday. To over come what life throws at us, again, we need others to help us with this. Though I'm feeling kinda down right now. I'm so happy to have my friends.

~Student 4/2/08 2:36 AM



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Now playing: Simon & Garfunkel - Mrs. Robinson
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thoughts....

I'm sitting here doing homework this song that I've put as the signature came to mind. I've been asked if I'm with someone, no. Do you have a love interest? Yes, but nothing will come of it so I'm waiting till i feel like I've someone. I would like to be with someone but I don't want feel like I have be with someone. But I do care about her, far more than I do than anyone else. I would say that I love her, but I'm convincing myself that it's not a love that would mean we would become boyfriend/girlfriend. How do you describe it? I'm not sure....maybe a love for your best friend. You just hope that they make good choices, works hard, is safe when traveling, comfortable enough to want to talk to you....sit next to you. You hope they are doing well, doing ok in life, school, and spiritually.

At times it like looking in from the outside, just hoping, wishing, thinking. Seeing you rock out to a song, and being amazed by how fun life can be. Watching you laugh and carry on with enjoyment and realizing that it's ok to crack a smile; don't have to be stoic. These and many others cause a smile that just creeps up and all of a sudden I'm finding myself smiling. Smiling, b/c I'm just right there with the enjoyment. Right next to the easyness of life, and the comfort that allows relaxation from/with life. This is what I want. Like a little kid looking into a toy store and telling mommy he wants that toy. The eyes get big, the smile arises, and the excitement comes. And all he can do for the longest time, is think about what he saw at the store.

But there is also the other side. The frowns, the disappointment in the voice, the facial change from smile to upset, are part of the other side. It's ok, everything will be ok. You're doing great, today's just another one of those days, but you're doing phenomenally well for the situation.

Why? What causes me to think this? Why has this one song brought this whole barrage of thoughts? WHy can't it be easy to just accept it as it is..... should it be like this?? But I can't change your mind..... all i can do is be there. Be available to help. To listen on those hard days. To encourage you when it's close to the finally straw. To hold your hand w/o really doing so.
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How could I ever try? I have no time, busy....does that mean it's not a priority? Maybe being purposeful will help? Just ignore when others will say something. You look good together, why don't you ask her out? You should ask her out, don't let her get away? Are you two together? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm laughing b/c I hear it quite often. I hear the comments. I hear the ideas. Honestly, it's saddening. For now this is all that is needed to be done, but how, why do others say such things to make me so down. But also, am I even on her radar, on her mind as much as she is on my mind. How silly must this sound!! hahaha

I'm so tired right now. I should be in bed, but no I'm doing homework. I have some much to do. I'm putting forth the effort, but why is that nothing positive has come out of it....well the positiveness that they want to see. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good person, a good student, a good leader, and good son, a good friend, a good teacher....but turn all those goods into greats then that's how I want to be. It's not easy. It takes time. It takes patience. It take help from others.

It's something that we have to go through. But that doesn't make it any better. How do you tell someone you love them. That's how you feel. But I keep saying to myself, "It's nothing but a friends care for another friend. Nothing will come of it, b/c something would have come out it earlier." Then the reaction, that's the scariest. What will she say? What will she do? What will become of our friendship? It's easy to be normal, but it's not easy to settle my conscious. Sleep, that's all i need for now. It's too late, and all of this is coming forth....HAHAHA what does that mean for openness!!! Isn't life great. You can count on it to bring up some of the most challenging issues you'll ever deal with. Now to be critical and to see what I've just said. Night!!!!


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
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Life, again....

Thing are going well so far. I couldn't have asked for better friends and those who are patient with my lack of presence compared to the way it used to be. I miss them terribly, but I feel that I need to be able do to these things that I'm doing. This truly does feel selfish but I'm going to do it. I'm growing, learning, opening up, and I really enjoy not having to fake anything. If I'm upset, I'm upset. If I'm so happy that I'm just busting out into dance and beat-boxing, then I do that too. I still care for my friends, far more than I do for anyone else, other than my parents. This is a key time for me, or so I feel it is, to find out who I am and how to best take care of who I am, and the others that I'm with.

But honestly, it does get hard to balance everything. I'm tired right now, b/c I've been up since 6:30am and I've been going non-stop. I was able to see everyone but one person, and I do believe that seeing everyone and getting to hear from everyone would have made the evening most amazing, maybe tomorrow. I was able to see my mother, after about 5-6yrs of avoiding her I decsided to go see her. It was quite fun, and I'm glad I could see my grandmother happy. Maybe b/c we were finally together. Mother, grandson, family, "new" son-in-law, and husband. For a small house it was quite packed!! We played rummy for 3 of the 5 hours I was there, and talked, enjoyed each other's company.

I wonder how I'm going to wind up as an adult, parent, person, and what ever it is that I decide to do. With how my grades are right now, I'll be here for a while......sad day. My mind right now is full of ideas, people, situations, emotions, and what I need to do to be a better person. I'm not feeling down, just full of thoughts. It's good to be here, b/c I know I'm not prefect, but I also shouldn't strive for perfection itself, but to be a better person than I am now. Confronting, being with, being beside, and loving my friends is something I'm struggling. I'm not sure how I handle this situation, and I'm hoping for some help. The biggest thing I need it patience is and it's something that I struggle with. B/c I want my friends to see how amazing life is, and it IS hard, but don't get down by it. LOL We all go through things differently, and it's important to know that. If we all acted the same, did the same, then we wouldn't be an individual in that sense (which is important)

I still have a lot of learning to do, and growing to do. I just hope soon....patience young one!!! lol. Ok I'm off to bed, I need some sleep, b/c I'm getting up early. Leave a comment, tell me what you're thinking, about this or just life in general. Night


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Now playing: Feist - 1234
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Smiling...

I'm smiling right now, it's one of those, "wow, I can't believe that I'm going through this thought" smiles. We care for people and it's b/c of these people, that we feel like we fit in; it's their reciprocation of this caring-ness that makes you want to stay. But let's say there is no reciprocation, how do you deal with that, how do you let them know about it, why should you continue on caring? Here's my thinking, what I'm going through with that situation. We stay b/c we want that good feeling of acceptance when they do give back. As time goes on, you don't want that anymore, you want to help them. Your feelings haven't changed, perse, but it's the way you go about it. It's the attitude that you carry. We don't need to let others dictate how we feel or what to feel. If we "feel" then by all means go ahead. It's there for a reason.....but what's the reason. THis is difficult, b/c it may take (hahaha) years or days, for one to realize what the reason is. It's takes time to understand what's going on in our lives. For me, man, it's taking a bit longer than I hoped it would be.

It is caring about the other person(s) that does get hard. B/c we become so connected to people, we open ourselves up....but how much is too much. Will we actually be left empty when we do find that special someone. Either way, your friends are growing. You can see it, and you're just so proud of them for being so amazing. On my end, it's difficult to let them know that I'm aware of what going, or how i perceive what going on. But I can say this, it's just amazing to see my friends growing up, seeing them becoming aware of life and going through some of the toughest times that they'll have in a long time. People say college is the best time of our lives b/c of the community that we have and people we meet. For me, no, it's being able to find who we are, with other people, by ourselves, and finding what we push ourselves to be. There definatly some drama along the way, but you know, there are also sometime where you're just so happy you can't figure it out. I have a picture of one my friends, I hit them in th head with a snow ball, and it left an amazing little pile about and inch tall on their head. This picture alone can make me so happy. WHY!!?! It might be the expression of the person face, the weather, the excitement/mood associated with the picture, or something that I can't think of. What ever it is, it's something that I smile at.

What causes a smile? Why is it so important? Are there various types of smiles? Why do they come at random times? ........ ::deep breath:: There are a lot of things we go through, and so few times we can talk to someone or express them. But don't worry, b/c someone will come, the time will come where we'll express it all, maybe not at once, but it'll be expressed. :)

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Now playing: Coldplay - The Scientist
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It's the rarest treasure.....

"Happyness" is something that's the most precious thing, in the world. It's sad that we can only have so much of it. I talked to someone about it, and they said, "If we were happy too often, then we wouldn't won't know what happiness truly is. I'll be honest, my life isn't a shining star of happiness; from being homeless/dirt poor, abuse of various types, seeing domestic violence, death, and a few more things, but I have felt happiness. I wish I could be happy more often, but when I am, I cry, or I want to cry because it's such an amazing feeling. to find out what makes you so content. To find out what makes you feel so complete. To know what that empty spot is in our heart.

I need to go to bed. I have class, and I need to get up early. I don't know what to expect this week. I don't know who I'll hurt, make smile, feel proud, want to cry from happiness/saddness, or who I'll help with something they're struggling with. But I know something will happen, and I'll be surprised when I experience it. It's the thought of not knowing what to expect that makes me excited, the guessing of will they be happy, smile, or be up-set. I want to say for now is, thank you so much, thank you for my friends. I apprieceate them so much, and it's times like these that I really do know. ::BIG GLEAMING SMILE::

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Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
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All I want....

well, maybe not that, but if I could just make my friends happy that would be amazing. I've been kinda, a no show. Why? Well lets see, for some reason, "thankful_servant" wants to do SLC, his major requires him to sell his soul to the program. And of there's the new issue, are you ready, b/c I was shocked when I found it out..... I'm the kind of person that love structure, purpose, and to know that I'm doing something that has an end, perse. And best of all I hate feeling like a failure, which of course is going to happen many times in my life, and well I'm failing as a friend. I want to know how they're doing. I feel bad that I'm not "around," and when one of them says, "why don't you just quit SLC and be with us," or "haven't seen you around a lot lately." Me personally, that hurts. Yeah, so what! but you know I have an issue about not wanting to abandon people. Probably b/c I was abandoned a lot when I was little. I don't know, this is me just working through thoughts. It's something that I either need to just get over, or learn to not do it. There are so many amazing things to learn....

But right now, I have a blasted Medical- Terminology test today. I just want to cry at how hard perceive this test. I've had one of my friends fail it 3 times, and he passes it last semester. I have a paper that is due today but I'm studying for my med-term test, so she'll have to be patient w/ the arrival of the paper. It's funny, I wrote a devotion yesterday for a club that I'm in, and my mother called. I haven't seen her since my junior year in high school....I don't wish to see her. I say something now b/c the two are related, and they are two things that I need to work on. Man, this truly is going to be an interesting semester. I only hope for strength to make it through everything that is going. And to be as good a friend as I can be.....why do I care about many things? Why do I have to struggle with life? Why can't it just be easy? I have so many questions, and I'm sure non will be answered anytime soon. Until then, I'll search for a few, live, teach, love, care, feel pain, and hope for the best.


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Now playing: The Killers - When You Were Young
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a devotion

Roman 8:22-25
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>How long is waiting? How long do we have to be patient? I guess it depends on the thing we are waiting for. After a while we become tired of waiting though; ready to get this over with, or on the verge of giving up. But we are told that in our moments of weakness and tiredness of waiting, the Spirit is there, right along side us. If we don’t know what to say or pray about, if we become so frustrated that we can’t express anything, or we just can’t find those words we need to exclaim our thoughts with, it’s ok. He’s there beside us praying. Praying what needs to be said, praying what is at the bottom of our hearts. He knows us, our condition that we’re in, and knows how to help us, make us feel better.

>We want to please Him, and to make him proud. Just like my parents Dottie & Charlie. I know they love me for who I am. They may not be my biological parents, but I know they love me. They took time to discipline me when I misbehaved, loved me when I felt sad, congratulated me when I did something well, and were pound when I finished something big.

Making a mistake can be challenging, b/c how do we make sure not to make the same mistake again. It could the be feelings of shame that I’m afraid of, putting shame to my parent’s name, putting shame to God’s name, shaming my friends, shaming myself. It’s difficult to explain this. I’m still finding words, ideas, and theories to explain or express what I’m going through and thinking about. We are asked to love them, just the same. But in my case this topic or skill that I’m talking about is patience. We live here, our life isn’t pointless but we live here (now), and we are told to love our parents, friends, enemies, and the homeless. And even the pedophiles, the murderers, the abusive spouses, and many, many other things that aren’t comforting to think about. But these situations take patience; I don’t know if I have the patience for them….I’m not sure that I have the patience. I understand the patience that is needed, but I still need to work on the little things like: being patient when I’m wanting to be somewhere on time and we’re late, or if I want to be early and someone else doesn’t, that’s something I need to work.

When we love the person no matter what! We aren’t shaming anyone. It’s uncomfortable to do this. How do I love someone who beat me when I was little? How I love someone who beats a woman b/c she’s there. How do I love myself, when I do not love others? I mess up. I’m far from perfect. I’m still growing and learning. I might be able to go back and love the people who I didn’t love earlier.

It’s funny, I’m told that we’re going to mess us at times, it’s inevitable. We aren’t going straight to Hell b/c we did something wrong. If we were, then he wouldn’t ALSO be the God of mercy. I also see it’s in our nature to mess up, it’s not an excuse to mess up, but I need to not get so frustrated when I mess up at the smaller things.

He, God, is like a parent that knows what we’re going through. He understands the pain, the sorrow, and the thoughts that are provoked by experiences. He’s that hug that we need on those hard days; that pat on the back that we want when we accomplish something. He’ll discipline us when we misbehave, and love us when we’re sad. He’ll love us no matter what. It’s at this thought that it clicked, that we are created in God’s image. My parents tell me when I mess up, and I feel ashamed, “No matter what you do Richard, you can’t make us stop loving you. We love you more than anything in the word.” And that’s how God feels towards us. Hesed is a Hebrew word for loving-kindness. (he consistent, ever-faithful, relentless, constantly-pursuing, lavish, extravagant, unrestrained, furious love! God’s love toward all of us is ever-faithful, like my parents love for me is ever-faithful.

Nothing bad, a reflexion....because we still learn and grow constantly

I'm here again. I'm still here in my life. It's not like I left, but after thinking and explaining the concept of being aware of my attachment to my life being through these delicate strands of molecules called nerves, I know that there are people who think they can leave their bodies and go places.....I know that if I could do that I wouldn't want to stay here in my body. It's the "label" that it has, the emotions, reactions, and perceptions that are made toward this life that I've led. The memories that I have collected, habits that I've done that I want to run from. The funny thing is this; I know I can't leave my body. I'm proud of my life, b/c w/o it I wouldn't be me.

Right now things kinda suck, not b/c life's hard, but b/c I'm being given a lot of choices lately. hmmmm. I'm actually being given choice that can affect my life. Probably b/c I don't make a lot of descions for myself, by myself, I feel scared, nervous, fear of failing (closing something that will close a door, that I won't be able to open again....hmmmm). I had a talk to a friend @ Starbucks the other day and they said that it's hard for them to commit, b/c they're afraid of losing opportunities, afraid of leaving something that could be amazing. And they said that a freind of theirs said, that when something comes along, they commit for as long as they can, b/c who knows what could come out of it. Who knows how they, or he could affect him/the person. (hmmmmm) With that thought how do you transition from choice to choice. If I did make a choice how do I balance the things that I want to do...I have choose one thing, and choose not to do another. :) Life is not getting difficult; it's the decisions that are needing to be made, and I can't not make some.

.....should I let her know I love her. No, b/c I'm not quite sure what kind of love it is. But if I talked to her about it, then could we find out. If I could see her happy, just so happy, content that there is a glisten in her eye. I think I know I would have done what I wanted....but that's obsessing. I should probably just drop it. I care about her, how do you just let go of someone that you've put time, emotions, and a little pain into. What ever happens, it won't be perfect. There will be and probably needs to be more struggles with...what ever. You know what's funny, is that she probably doesn't even know anything about how I feel. I'm not sure. I probably think she's a mind reader; she not. I'm coming to this conclusion though; right now, I probably shouldn't try to be with someone until I figure some stuff out and fix some stuff that pertains to me.....or it could just be a cop-out in not pursuing something that I might feel so deeply about. I HAVE NO IDEA!!! ::hangs head, and shakes it:: It's funny how I want something, and all I have to do is choose it; but I don't. Could I probably think that I'm not good enough....is that blasted un-self worth, concept rearing it's head again!

But for now, I'm getting ready to go salsa dancing. We planned it on Monday so I've been looking for this all week. I have tests, quizzes, outlines, papers, and readings to do. All I ask for is strength, courage, confidence ::ha::, and maybe a dash of spontaneousness. It won't make things better, but you know, it would make life a little more tolerable.


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Now playing: Jack Johnson - Better Together
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