I wonder...

It's been an interesting past few months. The summer has been nice for me, and quite pleasant. My friends are here, my family is doing well, and I still need to clean my room. lol But unfortunately it's coming to the time where i figure out, "what the heck am I going to do for the rest of my life....or what am I going to do for the next 5 years. It's not that i hate my major, but the atmosphere isn't supportive, and I feel very much alone. I really dislike that feeling. I have friends, but when you're in a place that requires many hours at a time, and you don't have a connection with someone there, it gets hard, laborious, and worthless. My parents wonder if I like what I'm doing. "You don't seem passionate at it, should you consider anything else?" Really, right now, when I have one more year left..... How can I drop what I've been doing for so long for something that would be an unpractical work force? How could i earn a living doing outdoors stuff? I might switch to Outdoor Recreation. I really love Outward Bound, that's my dream job….I think. See that's the problem, I don't know what my passion is. I know some things that I like but I feel so lost right now, if I had to go out and get a job. I'm good at picking stuff up and learning new things, but I'd prefer to do something that keeps things exciting, and not monotonous. I like the SLC and watching TV with my friends, but it's when we SLC and my friends, when we do something different that excites me. "Yeah lets do it, we haven't done it before. I'm not sure how it'll go over but you know it'll be fun to find out." I love experiencing things.

Something that was offered as an idea was to join the military. What would I do? Medic, Operator of a tank, helicopter, some vehicle, or would I be a grunt? If I did go in the military, I would love to be an officer. My Dad ended his career as a Captain, and he was apart of the MP….I could be a police officer if I entered. The down side is that, I have the stereotypical thought of being broken down and built up as a machine or some thing that wouldn't question or have morals. I know the military isn't that but I do understand that for these people to go out and shoot someone or some act of the type, there has to be some form of distancing oneself from the humanity, and killing someone. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of actually becoming someone who is angry, and violent. I don't want to hurt anyone; I've been through enough to know that I don't want to hurt anyone in any way. And when I do, I feel it deep down.

The exciting thing to remember is the traveling that could occur. The amount of connects that good I could obtain and the influence, that could be positive. Dad met many people and went many places in his 2 years of service and he was able to figure out what it is that he should do. I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation right now, and school is about to start. Am I going to try and finish something that's hard for me to get the first time….why do grades matter so much, I know this stuff, but I have to have a certain grade to be able to be considered to go further in life? FOR ME TO GO FUTHER IN LIFE, I HAVE TO HAVE A PREREQUISITE THAT DOESN'T MATTER WHEN I'M OLDER!!!!! DAMN!! "It's a tattoo on your ass that won't ever come off." That's what my dad said last year. I understand it though, I just don't like it. ::sign::

I'm not saying my friends have everything in order and they know exactly what they are doing, but they, as far as I can tell, know what they're going to do for grad school or know they need to go. I, I don't know what I'm doing right now……. It's going to be sad seeing them all go. Right now I'm studying for a test that is tomorrow. I'm excited b/c I know I'll doo well. I know my stuff now, I've been able to read it and understand what the author is telling me. But it's frustrating that I have to do it again. That's the way it is for now; understand, learn, and get it right.

Things are easy now, I only wish it would last just a little bit longer (hahaha interesting how it parallels the song). I think that's what we always want when we feel at ease, comfortable, or secure where we are at the time, or at least not wanting th change to come...too soon. :)

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Now playing: Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

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4th of July

I went to a fireworks display over in Chatty last night. It was such a wonderful time to be there. So many people there. All their children to come and experience something amazing. So many generations of people there. People from different times, with different histories, with different perspectives on what the USA has been, is, and can be.

On the surface, we are a community that loves each other, and are united by our devotion to our country. Something to feel proud, something to smile, and something to celebrate about. We are free to be who we wnat to be and have oppurtunities to achieve many things. It's something amazing to see and compare, that we are able to assemble together for fun and for no real purpose. We aren't gathering to be told that we are going to war, or to be addressed that we have to change something, that the new dictator is someone who will change things. We aren't being manipulated.... and being made to do anything against our wills.

The other thing that struck me odd this time are amount of kids and their fathers that were there. The family was there. They were there having fun, chasing each other, playing games, playing cards. I guess just being a normal family. Interestingly enough, I felt different at this site. I wasn't sad or upset. i think it was something of longing, a wishing for that. My parents here are amazing and love me. When i was little I didn't have a father. It was mom and me. So maybe it was b/c of the site of the families playing together and having fun, that made me long for "that." Honestly, I've never really cared about my dad, b/c my parents now are the people who love me and take care of me, they are the people to took the time to get to know me and love me. But this was the first time that I felt sad about it.

My friends are growing up too. They have found people and are ever so happy, or at least they appear it to me. I feel so ecstatic for them b/c they've been wanting to be happy but couldn't find the right thing. and it funny, b/c I've heard before that when your friends start dating, you start to become a little jealous or "left out." But it's not he jealousy or being left behind. It's the fact that you realize that it's time to move on. Things will change, and relationships will solidify is certain ways. I know I'm proud for them and honestly hope for the best, b/c they've need happiness like this for a LONG time! :) or at least from where I see it. One is getting married. This excites me, b/c they needed to be for a long time. I just hope it goes well, I'm sure it will, b/c they've been able to understand each other, learn about each other, and have practically lived together. I really love both of them so I'm excited to see them get together.

They are growing up, one is going to join the peace corp. WOW! now that's some fun. i would love to do that. They are figuring stuff out, and getting ready to take on the what's ahead. I guess I'm not a prepared, or so it feels. I have some much to learn and gain before I can afford a house, pay rent, bills, and buy my groceries. I more frightened, the planning that will need to be done. I love having a plan, but this one is something that if I mess up, I'm in the hole, for a long time. But it's somethign that will be done whether I like it or not. I'm not ever sure how to start. i just need to finish my undergrad, and maybe go straight to grad school, peace corp, or job. Who knows....I'll need to soon. haha




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Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
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