I was so close to telling her. But then i had to screw the whole thing up with one little act. She doesn't know about it or how I feel. It's fruitless for me to tell her. I think so.... I feel so defeated. They're embarrassed and watching the stars. I'm picking up an application for someone. She's happy. That's a good thing. That's what makes me feel glad....but honestly I feel so broken. It's funny b/c I feel like a duck, calm on the surface, but working so hard underneath the water.
So tomorrow, will be another day. A chapel, a class, and an end of the week. A weekend. Homework, in the PCSU, and bed at 1. A comfortable day, found in content. Nothing different, exciting, or great. Except for my best friend. My favorite person to talk to, to listen to, to wonder things with. :) I'm glad you're happy now, you haven't told me yet, but I can pull things from vagueness, from you and others. This makes me happy. Work hard for it, and endure. I love you. I really do love you. I've never felt more sure. This is what I wanted to say, this is what I hoped to say....I might still, but my hoping for anything more has been shot.
Have a most wonderful evening. Sleep well, with a smile, warmth in your heart, and calm in your self. I hope tomorrow will be good to you. You deserve it, and fun.
Good Night! Take Care :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
senior year in college
I'm about 3wks into my senior year. It's been exciting, physically and mentally. I'm no where near as stressed as I was with ATEP. Math is starting to come back to me b/c of my new stats class for PE. I have to teach swimming for my "Teaching Individual/Life Time Activities." We have been doing a whole lot so far. All I need to do is just start a routine. My toughest class right now is Environmental Science. It has a lot of reading and random pop-quizzes, not the most exciting thing but it does keep us accountable for our readings. I've been able to hang out with my friends more. Chris and I are roommates and so this makes me happy b/c he's finishing college and he's a cool person to talk to and listen to.
Chris and I have been able to show off out culinary skills a little more so far. We've has a few of our friend over and have been able to entertain them and feed them. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we can provide a little bit for our friends.
The most challenging thing so far this semester is being fine-tuning the relationship that I have and understanding how I stand in them, what it is that I'm providing for them, and how I'm able to affect the people. I'm big on experience and trying my best to adapt to what's new. But when it comes to relationship, I have no idea where what goes. I have a friend that I care about a lot. I would like to be more than friends, but in turn I don't know if I do. Just b/c of how many times I try to be there for her, she doesn't understand that I'm right there, waiting to be "seen" and spoken. It's been like that for while now. The worst case scenario is that we are just friends and nothing further will come out of what we do have. The best case scenario is the opposite. She'll accept being more than friends. I'm fine either way, b/c I would love to have a definite stance on our relationship. The other thing is, if she does say yes, what now? I don't understand what come next. We've been like this for a while, dinners, lunches, movies, random excursions for food, going to parks to study, walk and talk, etc. Is there suppose to be a difference? What does it look like? How do I go about it? Am I capable of being more than a friend?
Chris said that he seems signs and signals that I keep missing, that he's come to just accept my denseness. He hopes that I'll "just know" who she is, and go for it. B/c of this "I'll just know" thing, I'm not sure if She is that person who "I'll know." I'm a practical person; I try not to let my emotions to over come my judgment. We've been friends for a while now, and we do have a whole lot in common, and a lot of experiences to share about life. I care and love her still after knowing the dark things that she brings to our relationship. I know that I love her. That is something that I do know. But I'm not sure what love it is that I have.
I'm off to bed. I'm at work and it's just ended. I hope everyone is doing ok. I really do have a lot of questions and no answers, as frustrating as it is, I really like it like this too. Good night everyone.
----------------
Now playing: Howie Day - Collide
foxyTunes
Chris and I have been able to show off out culinary skills a little more so far. We've has a few of our friend over and have been able to entertain them and feed them. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we can provide a little bit for our friends.
The most challenging thing so far this semester is being fine-tuning the relationship that I have and understanding how I stand in them, what it is that I'm providing for them, and how I'm able to affect the people. I'm big on experience and trying my best to adapt to what's new. But when it comes to relationship, I have no idea where what goes. I have a friend that I care about a lot. I would like to be more than friends, but in turn I don't know if I do. Just b/c of how many times I try to be there for her, she doesn't understand that I'm right there, waiting to be "seen" and spoken. It's been like that for while now. The worst case scenario is that we are just friends and nothing further will come out of what we do have. The best case scenario is the opposite. She'll accept being more than friends. I'm fine either way, b/c I would love to have a definite stance on our relationship. The other thing is, if she does say yes, what now? I don't understand what come next. We've been like this for a while, dinners, lunches, movies, random excursions for food, going to parks to study, walk and talk, etc. Is there suppose to be a difference? What does it look like? How do I go about it? Am I capable of being more than a friend?
Chris said that he seems signs and signals that I keep missing, that he's come to just accept my denseness. He hopes that I'll "just know" who she is, and go for it. B/c of this "I'll just know" thing, I'm not sure if She is that person who "I'll know." I'm a practical person; I try not to let my emotions to over come my judgment. We've been friends for a while now, and we do have a whole lot in common, and a lot of experiences to share about life. I care and love her still after knowing the dark things that she brings to our relationship. I know that I love her. That is something that I do know. But I'm not sure what love it is that I have.
I'm off to bed. I'm at work and it's just ended. I hope everyone is doing ok. I really do have a lot of questions and no answers, as frustrating as it is, I really like it like this too. Good night everyone.
----------------
Now playing: Howie Day - Collide
foxyTunes
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