why do we need others.....

Right now I just feel like I'd be fine if I didn't rely on anyone. I don't want anyone to want me to be there for them. I don't want to care for anyone. I don't want to be the person that everyone loves to have help them. I don't want to care about school. I just wnat to be alone, whallo in something. I'm fearful.....

It's important to learn, grow, and take care of oneself. How do we go about doing this w/o the interceding of someone else? I'm not sure, but it's good to have some loving critics (some that aren't afraid to tell you the truth, but still love you and say it in a loving way). So does that mean that we have to be with people in order to grow holistically? Probably. We have to be @ school to learn, we learn better when we meet and greet people, and hear their stories.

Something that I'm trying to change is how i interact with others. I really do love being with people, but I don't show zeal when I talk or mannerism (I'm stoic or seem apathetic, probably). It's not a bad thing but it shows others that I'm not interested. I feel like I have to be allowed to show my feelings/emotions for topics, people or what ever. I've trained myself even at an early age not to say anything, "you don't speak unless spoken to, or answer a question unless it's asked to you"....the latter part I've been able to change a bit. So because of this I don't tell others how i feel about them....and this can form tensions on the inside. So I'm slowly learning and trying how it is to show how I feel towards others. The biggest fears about this is the unknowing reaction that can occur when I let others know how i feel. It's funny b/c I want to express it but I'm afraid to. How do you deal with that one? HAHAHA

We all live and learn. So what? Well as I had alluded to earlier we learn from out mistakes, errors that we had made. From there we either teach others from it and/or we take it and we think about it. "How has this changed me," "What can i learn from this," "Did I learn anything from this?" In the end, even if we don't notice a change, we did change. We are wiser, stronger, smarter, more aware of our actions and are able alter before it's too late, and even bigger we learn that love, relationships, and any for of interaction b/w two people takes time. It takes, in a sense, trial and error to end up with happiness, per se, with that person.

So what have I learn from this? I don’t know…. I have some many questions, so many issues with who I am, so many wants for myself, and so many emotions for other people. This tells me that I want to grow and that I need others to help me. So how do I go about with that…“Hey, how are you? How am I doing as a person, friend, leader, and Christian?”

By the way, this one blog took me a couple weeks to do and finish, so it’s definitely filled with thoughts (figuratively). I hope that I'll still rely on others to help me learn, grow, care, love, and to be the person I should be, need to be, and am being called/asked to be. It does take courage to live everyday. To over come what life throws at us, again, we need others to help us with this. Though I'm feeling kinda down right now. I'm so happy to have my friends.

~Student 4/2/08 2:36 AM



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Now playing: Simon & Garfunkel - Mrs. Robinson
via FoxyTunes

thoughts....

I'm sitting here doing homework this song that I've put as the signature came to mind. I've been asked if I'm with someone, no. Do you have a love interest? Yes, but nothing will come of it so I'm waiting till i feel like I've someone. I would like to be with someone but I don't want feel like I have be with someone. But I do care about her, far more than I do than anyone else. I would say that I love her, but I'm convincing myself that it's not a love that would mean we would become boyfriend/girlfriend. How do you describe it? I'm not sure....maybe a love for your best friend. You just hope that they make good choices, works hard, is safe when traveling, comfortable enough to want to talk to you....sit next to you. You hope they are doing well, doing ok in life, school, and spiritually.

At times it like looking in from the outside, just hoping, wishing, thinking. Seeing you rock out to a song, and being amazed by how fun life can be. Watching you laugh and carry on with enjoyment and realizing that it's ok to crack a smile; don't have to be stoic. These and many others cause a smile that just creeps up and all of a sudden I'm finding myself smiling. Smiling, b/c I'm just right there with the enjoyment. Right next to the easyness of life, and the comfort that allows relaxation from/with life. This is what I want. Like a little kid looking into a toy store and telling mommy he wants that toy. The eyes get big, the smile arises, and the excitement comes. And all he can do for the longest time, is think about what he saw at the store.

But there is also the other side. The frowns, the disappointment in the voice, the facial change from smile to upset, are part of the other side. It's ok, everything will be ok. You're doing great, today's just another one of those days, but you're doing phenomenally well for the situation.

Why? What causes me to think this? Why has this one song brought this whole barrage of thoughts? WHy can't it be easy to just accept it as it is..... should it be like this?? But I can't change your mind..... all i can do is be there. Be available to help. To listen on those hard days. To encourage you when it's close to the finally straw. To hold your hand w/o really doing so.
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How could I ever try? I have no time, busy....does that mean it's not a priority? Maybe being purposeful will help? Just ignore when others will say something. You look good together, why don't you ask her out? You should ask her out, don't let her get away? Are you two together? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm laughing b/c I hear it quite often. I hear the comments. I hear the ideas. Honestly, it's saddening. For now this is all that is needed to be done, but how, why do others say such things to make me so down. But also, am I even on her radar, on her mind as much as she is on my mind. How silly must this sound!! hahaha

I'm so tired right now. I should be in bed, but no I'm doing homework. I have some much to do. I'm putting forth the effort, but why is that nothing positive has come out of it....well the positiveness that they want to see. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good person, a good student, a good leader, and good son, a good friend, a good teacher....but turn all those goods into greats then that's how I want to be. It's not easy. It takes time. It takes patience. It take help from others.

It's something that we have to go through. But that doesn't make it any better. How do you tell someone you love them. That's how you feel. But I keep saying to myself, "It's nothing but a friends care for another friend. Nothing will come of it, b/c something would have come out it earlier." Then the reaction, that's the scariest. What will she say? What will she do? What will become of our friendship? It's easy to be normal, but it's not easy to settle my conscious. Sleep, that's all i need for now. It's too late, and all of this is coming forth....HAHAHA what does that mean for openness!!! Isn't life great. You can count on it to bring up some of the most challenging issues you'll ever deal with. Now to be critical and to see what I've just said. Night!!!!


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Now playing: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
via FoxyTunes