Life, again....

Thing are going well so far. I couldn't have asked for better friends and those who are patient with my lack of presence compared to the way it used to be. I miss them terribly, but I feel that I need to be able do to these things that I'm doing. This truly does feel selfish but I'm going to do it. I'm growing, learning, opening up, and I really enjoy not having to fake anything. If I'm upset, I'm upset. If I'm so happy that I'm just busting out into dance and beat-boxing, then I do that too. I still care for my friends, far more than I do for anyone else, other than my parents. This is a key time for me, or so I feel it is, to find out who I am and how to best take care of who I am, and the others that I'm with.

But honestly, it does get hard to balance everything. I'm tired right now, b/c I've been up since 6:30am and I've been going non-stop. I was able to see everyone but one person, and I do believe that seeing everyone and getting to hear from everyone would have made the evening most amazing, maybe tomorrow. I was able to see my mother, after about 5-6yrs of avoiding her I decsided to go see her. It was quite fun, and I'm glad I could see my grandmother happy. Maybe b/c we were finally together. Mother, grandson, family, "new" son-in-law, and husband. For a small house it was quite packed!! We played rummy for 3 of the 5 hours I was there, and talked, enjoyed each other's company.

I wonder how I'm going to wind up as an adult, parent, person, and what ever it is that I decide to do. With how my grades are right now, I'll be here for a while......sad day. My mind right now is full of ideas, people, situations, emotions, and what I need to do to be a better person. I'm not feeling down, just full of thoughts. It's good to be here, b/c I know I'm not prefect, but I also shouldn't strive for perfection itself, but to be a better person than I am now. Confronting, being with, being beside, and loving my friends is something I'm struggling. I'm not sure how I handle this situation, and I'm hoping for some help. The biggest thing I need it patience is and it's something that I struggle with. B/c I want my friends to see how amazing life is, and it IS hard, but don't get down by it. LOL We all go through things differently, and it's important to know that. If we all acted the same, did the same, then we wouldn't be an individual in that sense (which is important)

I still have a lot of learning to do, and growing to do. I just hope soon....patience young one!!! lol. Ok I'm off to bed, I need some sleep, b/c I'm getting up early. Leave a comment, tell me what you're thinking, about this or just life in general. Night


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Now playing: Feist - 1234
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Smiling...

I'm smiling right now, it's one of those, "wow, I can't believe that I'm going through this thought" smiles. We care for people and it's b/c of these people, that we feel like we fit in; it's their reciprocation of this caring-ness that makes you want to stay. But let's say there is no reciprocation, how do you deal with that, how do you let them know about it, why should you continue on caring? Here's my thinking, what I'm going through with that situation. We stay b/c we want that good feeling of acceptance when they do give back. As time goes on, you don't want that anymore, you want to help them. Your feelings haven't changed, perse, but it's the way you go about it. It's the attitude that you carry. We don't need to let others dictate how we feel or what to feel. If we "feel" then by all means go ahead. It's there for a reason.....but what's the reason. THis is difficult, b/c it may take (hahaha) years or days, for one to realize what the reason is. It's takes time to understand what's going on in our lives. For me, man, it's taking a bit longer than I hoped it would be.

It is caring about the other person(s) that does get hard. B/c we become so connected to people, we open ourselves up....but how much is too much. Will we actually be left empty when we do find that special someone. Either way, your friends are growing. You can see it, and you're just so proud of them for being so amazing. On my end, it's difficult to let them know that I'm aware of what going, or how i perceive what going on. But I can say this, it's just amazing to see my friends growing up, seeing them becoming aware of life and going through some of the toughest times that they'll have in a long time. People say college is the best time of our lives b/c of the community that we have and people we meet. For me, no, it's being able to find who we are, with other people, by ourselves, and finding what we push ourselves to be. There definatly some drama along the way, but you know, there are also sometime where you're just so happy you can't figure it out. I have a picture of one my friends, I hit them in th head with a snow ball, and it left an amazing little pile about and inch tall on their head. This picture alone can make me so happy. WHY!!?! It might be the expression of the person face, the weather, the excitement/mood associated with the picture, or something that I can't think of. What ever it is, it's something that I smile at.

What causes a smile? Why is it so important? Are there various types of smiles? Why do they come at random times? ........ ::deep breath:: There are a lot of things we go through, and so few times we can talk to someone or express them. But don't worry, b/c someone will come, the time will come where we'll express it all, maybe not at once, but it'll be expressed. :)

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Now playing: Coldplay - The Scientist
via FoxyTunes

It's the rarest treasure.....

"Happyness" is something that's the most precious thing, in the world. It's sad that we can only have so much of it. I talked to someone about it, and they said, "If we were happy too often, then we wouldn't won't know what happiness truly is. I'll be honest, my life isn't a shining star of happiness; from being homeless/dirt poor, abuse of various types, seeing domestic violence, death, and a few more things, but I have felt happiness. I wish I could be happy more often, but when I am, I cry, or I want to cry because it's such an amazing feeling. to find out what makes you so content. To find out what makes you feel so complete. To know what that empty spot is in our heart.

I need to go to bed. I have class, and I need to get up early. I don't know what to expect this week. I don't know who I'll hurt, make smile, feel proud, want to cry from happiness/saddness, or who I'll help with something they're struggling with. But I know something will happen, and I'll be surprised when I experience it. It's the thought of not knowing what to expect that makes me excited, the guessing of will they be happy, smile, or be up-set. I want to say for now is, thank you so much, thank you for my friends. I apprieceate them so much, and it's times like these that I really do know. ::BIG GLEAMING SMILE::

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Now playing: Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
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