I'm sitting here doing homework this song that I've put as the signature came to mind. I've been asked if I'm with someone, no. Do you have a love interest? Yes, but nothing will come of it so I'm waiting till i feel like I've someone. I would like to be with someone but I don't want feel like I have be with someone. But I do care about her, far more than I do than anyone else. I would say that I love her, but I'm convincing myself that it's not a love that would mean we would become boyfriend/girlfriend. How do you describe it? I'm not sure....maybe a love for your best friend. You just hope that they make good choices, works hard, is safe when traveling, comfortable enough to want to talk to you....sit next to you. You hope they are doing well, doing ok in life, school, and spiritually.
At times it like looking in from the outside, just hoping, wishing, thinking. Seeing you rock out to a song, and being amazed by how fun life can be. Watching you laugh and carry on with enjoyment and realizing that it's ok to crack a smile; don't have to be stoic. These and many others cause a smile that just creeps up and all of a sudden I'm finding myself smiling. Smiling, b/c I'm just right there with the enjoyment. Right next to the easyness of life, and the comfort that allows relaxation from/with life. This is what I want. Like a little kid looking into a toy store and telling mommy he wants that toy. The eyes get big, the smile arises, and the excitement comes. And all he can do for the longest time, is think about what he saw at the store.
But there is also the other side. The frowns, the disappointment in the voice, the facial change from smile to upset, are part of the other side. It's ok, everything will be ok. You're doing great, today's just another one of those days, but you're doing phenomenally well for the situation.
Why? What causes me to think this? Why has this one song brought this whole barrage of thoughts? WHy can't it be easy to just accept it as it is..... should it be like this?? But I can't change your mind..... all i can do is be there. Be available to help. To listen on those hard days. To encourage you when it's close to the finally straw. To hold your hand w/o really doing so.
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How could I ever try? I have no time, busy....does that mean it's not a priority? Maybe being purposeful will help? Just ignore when others will say something. You look good together, why don't you ask her out? You should ask her out, don't let her get away? Are you two together? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm laughing b/c I hear it quite often. I hear the comments. I hear the ideas. Honestly, it's saddening. For now this is all that is needed to be done, but how, why do others say such things to make me so down. But also, am I even on her radar, on her mind as much as she is on my mind. How silly must this sound!! hahaha
I'm so tired right now. I should be in bed, but no I'm doing homework. I have some much to do. I'm putting forth the effort, but why is that nothing positive has come out of it....well the positiveness that they want to see. I don't know what to do. I want to be a good person, a good student, a good leader, and good son, a good friend, a good teacher....but turn all those goods into greats then that's how I want to be. It's not easy. It takes time. It takes patience. It take help from others.
It's something that we have to go through. But that doesn't make it any better. How do you tell someone you love them. That's how you feel. But I keep saying to myself, "It's nothing but a friends care for another friend. Nothing will come of it, b/c something would have come out it earlier." Then the reaction, that's the scariest. What will she say? What will she do? What will become of our friendship? It's easy to be normal, but it's not easy to settle my conscious. Sleep, that's all i need for now. It's too late, and all of this is coming forth....HAHAHA what does that mean for openness!!! Isn't life great. You can count on it to bring up some of the most challenging issues you'll ever deal with. Now to be critical and to see what I've just said. Night!!!!
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Now playing: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
via FoxyTunes
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