senior year in college

I'm about 3wks into my senior year. It's been exciting, physically and mentally. I'm no where near as stressed as I was with ATEP. Math is starting to come back to me b/c of my new stats class for PE. I have to teach swimming for my "Teaching Individual/Life Time Activities." We have been doing a whole lot so far. All I need to do is just start a routine. My toughest class right now is Environmental Science. It has a lot of reading and random pop-quizzes, not the most exciting thing but it does keep us accountable for our readings. I've been able to hang out with my friends more. Chris and I are roommates and so this makes me happy b/c he's finishing college and he's a cool person to talk to and listen to.

Chris and I have been able to show off out culinary skills a little more so far. We've has a few of our friend over and have been able to entertain them and feed them. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that we can provide a little bit for our friends.

The most challenging thing so far this semester is being fine-tuning the relationship that I have and understanding how I stand in them, what it is that I'm providing for them, and how I'm able to affect the people. I'm big on experience and trying my best to adapt to what's new. But when it comes to relationship, I have no idea where what goes. I have a friend that I care about a lot. I would like to be more than friends, but in turn I don't know if I do. Just b/c of how many times I try to be there for her, she doesn't understand that I'm right there, waiting to be "seen" and spoken. It's been like that for while now. The worst case scenario is that we are just friends and nothing further will come out of what we do have. The best case scenario is the opposite. She'll accept being more than friends. I'm fine either way, b/c I would love to have a definite stance on our relationship. The other thing is, if she does say yes, what now? I don't understand what come next. We've been like this for a while, dinners, lunches, movies, random excursions for food, going to parks to study, walk and talk, etc. Is there suppose to be a difference? What does it look like? How do I go about it? Am I capable of being more than a friend?



Chris said that he seems signs and signals that I keep missing, that he's come to just accept my denseness. He hopes that I'll "just know" who she is, and go for it. B/c of this "I'll just know" thing, I'm not sure if She is that person who "I'll know." I'm a practical person; I try not to let my emotions to over come my judgment. We've been friends for a while now, and we do have a whole lot in common, and a lot of experiences to share about life. I care and love her still after knowing the dark things that she brings to our relationship. I know that I love her. That is something that I do know. But I'm not sure what love it is that I have.



I'm off to bed. I'm at work and it's just ended. I hope everyone is doing ok. I really do have a lot of questions and no answers, as frustrating as it is, I really like it like this too. Good night everyone.



----------------
Now playing: Howie Day - Collide
foxyTunes