I'm here again. I'm still here in my life. It's not like I left, but after thinking and explaining the concept of being aware of my attachment to my life being through these delicate strands of molecules called nerves, I know that there are people who think they can leave their bodies and go places.....I know that if I could do that I wouldn't want to stay here in my body. It's the "label" that it has, the emotions, reactions, and perceptions that are made toward this life that I've led. The memories that I have collected, habits that I've done that I want to run from. The funny thing is this; I know I can't leave my body. I'm proud of my life, b/c w/o it I wouldn't be me.
Right now things kinda suck, not b/c life's hard, but b/c I'm being given a lot of choices lately. hmmmm. I'm actually being given choice that can affect my life. Probably b/c I don't make a lot of descions for myself, by myself, I feel scared, nervous, fear of failing (closing something that will close a door, that I won't be able to open again....hmmmm). I had a talk to a friend @ Starbucks the other day and they said that it's hard for them to commit, b/c they're afraid of losing opportunities, afraid of leaving something that could be amazing. And they said that a freind of theirs said, that when something comes along, they commit for as long as they can, b/c who knows what could come out of it. Who knows how they, or he could affect him/the person. (hmmmmm) With that thought how do you transition from choice to choice. If I did make a choice how do I balance the things that I want to do...I have choose one thing, and choose not to do another. :) Life is not getting difficult; it's the decisions that are needing to be made, and I can't not make some.
.....should I let her know I love her. No, b/c I'm not quite sure what kind of love it is. But if I talked to her about it, then could we find out. If I could see her happy, just so happy, content that there is a glisten in her eye. I think I know I would have done what I wanted....but that's obsessing. I should probably just drop it. I care about her, how do you just let go of someone that you've put time, emotions, and a little pain into. What ever happens, it won't be perfect. There will be and probably needs to be more struggles with...what ever. You know what's funny, is that she probably doesn't even know anything about how I feel. I'm not sure. I probably think she's a mind reader; she not. I'm coming to this conclusion though; right now, I probably shouldn't try to be with someone until I figure some stuff out and fix some stuff that pertains to me.....or it could just be a cop-out in not pursuing something that I might feel so deeply about. I HAVE NO IDEA!!! ::hangs head, and shakes it:: It's funny how I want something, and all I have to do is choose it; but I don't. Could I probably think that I'm not good enough....is that blasted un-self worth, concept rearing it's head again!
But for now, I'm getting ready to go salsa dancing. We planned it on Monday so I've been looking for this all week. I have tests, quizzes, outlines, papers, and readings to do. All I ask for is strength, courage, confidence ::ha::, and maybe a dash of spontaneousness. It won't make things better, but you know, it would make life a little more tolerable.
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Now playing: Jack Johnson - Better Together
via FoxyTunes
1 comment:
Hey! so you have amazed me these past couple of weeks with your openess and you have amazed this past semester with how welcoming you are and how excited you get about things! I am happy that you have shared some things with me. I found your blog and was reading it and if you feel something for someone than you should take the risk and tell them because if you don't you may always wonder what if. I think that goes for a lot of things in life not just a girl. why not take that risk in committing to things if it is something that could potentially make you a better person and help you grow!
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